The kids hold the cards when the new man calls

AFTER an extended gap year from dating, I draw my self-imposed man ban to a close, ending my sabbatical by bringing the new chap home to meet the kids.

As you do. The only thing is that my children are now a few years older than the last time I did this, and therefore far more capable of making it all go horribly wrong with a few well-chosen words, a carefully pitched remark, a not-so throwaway comment.

“Right,” I brief them, before the new chap arrives. ” I like this man, and want to make a good impression. You have five minutes. Come in, be charming, then when I say, ‘Goodnight darlings, sweet dreams’, you vanish without trace. Got that?” They nod, grinning. I remind them of the bit in Little Miss Sunshine when the dad says, “Quick, pretend to be normal”, and tell them that this is what I require. They smirk and nudge each other and imitate me in their smarmiest voices. The new chap arrives at the door and is immediately mauled by the dogs, which is unfortunate as he is a cat person. The 12-year-old yanks them away and shoves them in another room. “He’s not as old as the rest of them, is he,” she stage whispers to me, heaving the Rottweiler off the new chap’s chest. “He’s got hair! The others never had any hair.”