Rites of passage for hospital admissions

Did I hear they are going to rename St James’ Hospital the Dr James Memorial Hospital?

Really? No, Reilly. It’s just the germ of an idea.

The ongoing demand for elective medical surgery could well affect political re-election.

Women in Labour will go to the Left Wing. People of all religions will look for the right Rite Wing (on a prayer).

Those sent to the Central Wing will depend on the Central Fund. Regular injections of cash will be necessary. Transport of patients will be by ambivalence. Tests will be carried out. The patience of patients will be tested to the limit.

The admission questionnaire (in triplicate) will ask if you have already paid your household charge. If your records are not on the hospital computer system, then, technically, you won’t exist.

A ticket in the Benevolent Trolleys Lottery will cost €100 (doubling next year in Dublin). Extra trolleys will come onstream to ensure total gridlock in Admissions. That will be an awful Admission.

Be sure to get your theatre ticket, but you won’t have to break a leg. Laughter will be the only affordable medicine, but will carry a severe health warning. Security will operate in the event of any outbreak of laughter.

You will be in stitches. Bacteria will cause you to hold back the tears for another year or two (or several). Cures will become rare and wonderful curiosities.

There will be a new Eleventh Commandment. “Thou shalt on no account ever get sick.”

Will anything ever change for the better?

Michael Mernagh

Carrigaline

Co Cork

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