“I’m Noelle and I’m a bad runner”

MY NAME is Noelle and I’m a very bad runner. How bad? I knock down children. I ran over a toddler last night, and I don’t even have a vehicle.

All I have are two legs, and a view obscured by a baseball hat, for me these things are enough to do damage.

It was a classic pile-up, and I never saw it coming. One minute I was flying along my usual circuit by the river, head full of green leaves and birdsong, the next I’m gripping the railing like a drunken sailor, with a small person between my legs shrieking wildly.

Neither of us had any idea what had happened for the first few seconds. We got hopelessly entangled before we could understand the situation. I rolled along the guard rail, doing a weird sort of high-kicking dance, like I was stepping on hot cinders, while the little boy untangled himself from among my ankles and ran off to his brother.

It could have been worse; at least I didn’t bowl him over. His mother still stared at me like I was a lunatic though. I didn’t blame her. There she was, watching her little boy take his first tottering steps on the riverside walk, and along comes an idiot in Lycra and bulldozes him.

I was mortified. I did the only thing I could do. I legged it. I sprinted off and left them, whispering weak apologies. The getaway was aided by the fact that I hadn’t stopped running throughout the whole disaster.

This is the crux of my problem actually; I can’t stop running once I get started. As soon as I gather momentum, I just can’t halt it. And not being able to slow your roll is a problem when you go out running, especially in a world that contains small children.

This was not an issue I’d envisaged when I took up running, six months ago. Then, getting started was the issue, not stopping. I went out running even though I really didn’t want to.

Like most people, I am not disposed to exercise, but my mind was in tatters and my body wasn’t much better. I knew I had to do something, and running seemed like the best option.

As an exercise routine, it has several things to recommend it. It is free, pretty much, it happens outdoors, and you don’t have to talk to anyone while you are doing it. It is also an excuse to listen to very loud pop music, another not-inconsiderable fringe benefit of doing it. It’s surprising there’s not more written in the annals of sports psychology about the unique and life-affirming synergy between the sound of Duran Duran and a run through the inner suburbs of Cork City.

You can listen to whatever you want to though, while you are running, which is just as well, as Hungry like the Wolf doesn’t do it for everyone. Running is supremely individualistic, which is one of the great things about it. The other great thing about it, is that it is punishing. It’s not at all enjoyable, really, except once you’ve done it, and then you get to reward yourself for 40 minutes of self-inflicted torture.

Some people have a scone and a latté, other people have some chocolate. Here’s another reason why I’m a bad runner; I like a cigarette sometimes when I’m finished running. I’ve asked around some other runners, and this is the ultimate guilty pleasure, so illicit I shouldn’t even be discussing it. I try not to smoke very often, but a fag after running tastes incredible, a double-barrelled kick of nicotine swirling around all those endorphins already in your bloodstream.

Delicious and all as it is though, lately I have been rethinking the cigarette and running combination. Perhaps it is time to quit the cigarettes once and for all, all the better to start running even greater distances? Or maybe its a new form of exercise I need? One that doesn’t involve me smoking afterwards, and knocking down children?

Who am I kidding? It’s the smoking that’s going, if anything. I’m not quitting running. Not only is it making me fitter, it’s teaching me lessons. Like: watch where you put your feet and have some consideration so you don’t go knocking children down like skittles. And; smoking is a silly habit if you’re serious about running — I don’t need a cigarette rush, I just think I do. It’s mind over matter. That’s what got me started on this in the beginning and it will keep me at it. I’m Noelle and I’m a bad runner, but I’m getting better.

Aida Austin is on leave.