Sex tax can’t be far away as Government searches for new revenue

Now that we have had the household charge and water charges are coming, I predict that the next charge that the Government will impose that affects our daily lives will be a tax on sex.

In my opinion a sex tax will be fairer than the above two. It satisfies two of Adam Smith’s Canons of Taxation.

Firstly, it will operate by having an electronic device attached to the bed. The vibrations from the performance of the sexual act will then be transmitted to the device. The device will record the duration of the sexual act.

The tax will be levied on a proportionate basis for numbers of sexual acts between one and nine per month and then on a progressive basis for numbers over nine.

A local council official will call to each house at the end of the month and take readings from the electronic device (similar to the meter readings for electricity use).

So the tax will operate (1) on the principles of fairness, ie, the more sex you have, the more you will pay and (2) ease of collections — the readings will enable tax bills to be easily calculated and sent to householders.

Some may argue that the above is a rather strange method of calculating sex tax liabilities, but this is only an interim measure until, in a couple of years’ time, the Government will have hidden cameras installed in every home to record sexual activity.

An obvious question is why would the Government tax such a pleasurable activity?

The answer is that in the long term it will improve our economic position in so far as a reduction in the population will reduce unemployment figures, and by significantly reducing child benefit payments, there will be less welfare dependence.

Another point is that the disincentive to have sex will give people more time to return to our favourite national pastime, ie, visiting the pub. This will please the Vintners’ Association and will further boost the economy by significantly increasing alcohol revenue.

So my slogan to improve the economy is: “stay in the pub, not the bed”.

Martin Owens

Donnybrook

Douglas

Cork