All these new bronze age health warnings will be the death of me

We kind of know instinctively, without having to test the proposition, that if you laid out a few rashers of bacon on a sunbed and switched on for an hour, they would probably come out crispy and golden. If you don’t know that, you’re probably too far gone in a sea of calories and computer games to care

“THIS is the news at 11 o’clock. Good morning. Health campaigners warned today that we are all going to die. That is the conclusion from a comprehensive study conducted by researchers at Anytown University on behalf of the United Nations’ World Food Programme. The scientists observed rats in laboratory conditions over a 10-year period and found that by the end of the study, they were all dead.

“The same could happen to humans unless the Government urgently introduces legislation to ban dying. The only question is, over what period of time,” Prof Pete Sake told our reporter.