Wannabe tycoons think outside the box so they can go that extra mile
Seemingly every contestant wants to “give 110%”, but some have been able to top that by offering 200% or 250%, physically impossible as all of it may be. All claim to be able to “think outside the box”, know how to put “all the ducks in a row” and are willing to “go over the side of a cliff” on his behalf to get a deal. (Hopefully, they’ll live to tell the tale).
I think one even offered to “be a warrior for you, Bill”. If I’m imagining that, I think I can be excused given what has been going on.
It doesn’t end there. They love “pushing the envelope”, promise that they’ll “get past first base” when “tasked” or, if they don’t understand baseball analogies, say they’ll “go the extra mile”.
They want to exhibit their “can-do” approach, won’t dally in the “comfort zone” and whatever it is they’re asked to do, they’ll “deliver”. These people don’t do “downtime”, appreciate they’re on a “learning curve” and are prepared to “punch above their weight” wherever required now that they have been given a “window of opportunity”.
It’s as if they have learnt by heart the phrases and expressions of modern Irish business catalogued in RTÉ journalist John Murray’s enjoyable new book, Now That’s What I Call Jargon, which is an entertaining but worrying romp through the language of the “Celtic Tiger” era. (Damn it, now I’m falling into the trap).
But filming for The Apprentice concluded before this book was published and still these contestants have been throwing about these phrases, mostly imported from abroad, like, ahem, confetti at a wedding.
And yet the programme remains compelling viewing often because of the inept manner in which many of the participants undertake their chores. The requirements may not be as they would be in a real job, but contestants must show a certain degree of cop-on, as well as energy and initiative. The sight last Monday night of several participants attempting to decorate a shop they were setting up in Dublin airport by way of hand-painting a plane on the wall was hilarious. Their finished effort — or “output” — wouldn’t have looked convincing in a creche.
There have been many more such laugh-out-loud moments and then there has been the cheating, too. The most striking contestant was a woman called Joanna Murphy who was fired for emailing her husband for help on a job she feared she would not win otherwise.
Or maybe that should be that she decided to “outsource” the job to different workers. Or in the words of a certain former Taoiseach it might be construed she tried to get a “dig-out”.
Her reaction to the discovery of her cheating/outsourcing and her words on departure — including the classic line “Bill wanted someone with liathróidi. I have the liathróidi” — provided some of the best television in ages, along with the bitchy line that she couldn’t bare to be in the presence of the other female contestants.
Then there has been the drama of the boardroom meetings that contestants have undergone with Cullen before he decides which one will not return for the next week’s games.
Thankfully, Cullen has dropped the “hail-fellow, well-met” persona he used to sell his books in recent years, when it seemed he wanted everyone to love him and celebrate his rise out of the (happy) gutter. His “look at how I pulled myself up out of poverty in the Rare Oul’ Times” nonsense is largely missing, too.
Instead, he is playing the part of a tough and critical businessman who is demanding in his desire to get jobs done. This is far more like what people expect from successful multi-millionaires. Strangely, he is far more likeable as a result, even though he has to be tough in informing people that they’re dismissed.
“You’re fired” is the catchphrase that has made the programme famous and thankfully Cullen was prevented from introducing his original idea of a “softer” or “more Irish” way of throwing out his failed apprentices, such as “away with you” or “you’re for the road” (Or maybe we should say that he is “downsizing” the group on a weekly basis. Well, he has to get the “headcount” down).
It has been fun to notice how, once faced with ejection, contestants who had been required to co-operate are no longer “singing from the same hymn sheet” as they try to save themselves. Everyone who leaves believe they “had what it takes” to stay longer, but in any event they have “enjoyed the experience”.
It’s funny to notice or read about but in many ways these clichéd and hackneyed uses of the English language, not just in business but increasingly in politics, sports and other areas of life, is unfortunate and limiting. And it can be serious too because it happens in far more important circumstances than the broadcast of The Apprentice. Listen to the radio or watch the television and the cliché-laden comments from supposedly highly educated and articulate people come tumbling. If you were ever to get the chance to read the press releases of highly paid media spindoctors you would laugh, but you sometimes do anyway because some newspapers reprint them almost verbatim.
It doesn’t matter that they add little to the sum of the reader’s knowledge. Often that’s the point: confuse and obfuscate and attention will be lost therefore. Spin bullshit and the recipient is bored and moves onto something else. People hide behind this kind of language because they have nothing else of any significance or meaning to say. But as often the offenders don’t even do it deliberately — they actually think this is the clever way to talk.
AT THIS time of economic crisis it is particularly worrying that our leading politicians and bankers rank among the worst offenders. Taoiseach Brian Cowen achieves two extremes: when he can be bothered he is one of the clearest and most straightforward speakers around.
But on other occasions he can reach into John Murray’s handbook (in which he features prominently) and trot out one meaningless cliché after another to the point of worthlessness.
The opposition are great for the plain speaking about the Government’s failures at the moment, until you ask them how they would rectify things. We’d get a “paradigm shift” from them and, yes, I don’t really know that means in practice either.
And then there are the clowns in the banks who now talk of “impaired loans” and “satisfactory levels of tier-one capital” as if we should all know what that means. In plain language though it means that many of the recklessly large loans they gave to people or property developers won’t be repaid in full and that because of this they don’t have enough money to pay for all of their commitments. “Going forward”, they might like to start expressing it in such plain simple language.
The Last Word with Matt Cooper is broadcast on 100-102 Today FM, Monday to Friday, 4.30pm to 7pm.
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