How to fix your own pay hike

THOSE complaining about their zero salary increase in the latest benchmarking report should look to the inspiration of their glorious leader.

There is a simple solution that can guarantee you any salary increase you want and it will only cost you a small percentage of the actual increase itself.

Happily for you, and your trade union or representative body, we — a friend and I — are available to set up an “independent review body” to advise what you should be paid. You simply pay our fat fee and then tell us exactly what amount you want recommended.