Lads, in future ye’re personal wastage limit is E50m a year

Fergus Finlay column

LADS, you're probably surprised to be getting a letter from me. I know, I know, this kind of stuff is probably better said around the table.

Despite the filleting job we did on Freedom of Information (sorry, that should read reform of Freedom of Information), letters like this can get out. But if we don't address the issue of ministers wasting money, people are going to start thinking we're incompetent.

And we can't have that. God knows we don't have much else going for us.

Now, you know it's not my style to interfere. You'll all agree, I'm sure, that I let each of you get on with the job, and never ask too many questions.

Back in the days when McCreevy was in charge (sorry, that should read when McCreevy was Finance Minister), I know he was always sticking his nose in, deciding that he knew best how every Government department should be run.

But you know I've never been like that. I remember when I was a minister myself, and used to have to report everything to the other Charlie, the real Boss. It was hell when I was in Labour. He wanted every unofficial strike fixed, especially if it affected anywhere out in Clontarf or the Malahide Road.

And I used to have to fix them without letting anyone know because the Boss always wanted people to believe he was really tough. He was tough with me all right, but that was about as far as it went.

Anyway, I learned my lesson from those days. Ministers don't like to be interfered with. So I've tried to be as hands-off as possible.

You know I only get stuck in when Mary is throwing shapes over in the Tánaiste's office, or when the lads in Northern Ireland need a photocall (sorry, that should read when there's trouble in the peace process).

But all this money we're wasting is getting me down. Don't get me wrong, lads, I know how hard it can be to keep an eye on things when there's all those openings to be done and deputations to meet. And it's not as if we're short of a bob. But the excuses are beginning to wear a bit thin. There's only so often you can go into the Dáil and blame a civil servant.

And the excuse that Tom Parlon keeps trotting out, about the jobs being a bit underestimated when they were at the concept stage. That might work on some journos, but everyone's beginning to see through it now.

And if we keep blaming the NRA for everything that goes wrong on the roads, they might start spilling the beans on the variation clauses we build into every contract to make sure the construction sector stays healthy, and the penalty clauses we never invoke. We know the construction industry has to be looked after, but we'd all be much better off if some of the tricks of the trade don't start to get revealed. So listen, lads. I've had to make a new rule, and I've instructed the Cabinet Secretary to write it into the Cabinet Procedures.

I fully understand that money is going to go astray from time to time (after all, I'm the one who used to sign blank cheques without a clue where the money was going!). But in future, no one is allowed to lose more than 50 million in any one year. Anyone who goes over the fifty is going to be in a spot of bother with me.

But let's face it. Even by our standards, fifty million gives a reasonable amount of leeway, doesn't it? And you can offset any savings against whatever you lose in your department.

For example, I noticed the other day that Frank Fahey was able to hold up the disability allocation for a few months, and he's going after something called 'value for money' adjustments cuts, in other words.

That'll more than cover the E30 million his boss, Michael McDowell, is after costing us by buying that big field for a prison.

YOU'RE probably wondering where I got the fifty million figure from. To be honest, I suppose I sort of pulled it out of the air. I was under pressure from Pat Rabbitte in the Dáil the other day over the mess Micheál Martin (sorry, that should read the civil service) made out of the nursing home charges. He was laying into me about Micheál's total incompetence, and I suddenly heard myself saying: "If it had been sorted out a year ago, it might have cost E800 million as opposed to E850 million."

I hardly had the words out of my mouth when I realised that I was defending Micheál by saying he could have saved us E50 million by getting his finger out (sorry, that should read by being properly briefed) a year earlier. Lucky for me, Pat Rabbitte's time was up because I could see that he had twigged it and was going to come after me.

But when I thought about it afterwards, I figured E50 million wouldn't be a bad figure. Isn't that what Martin Cullen cost us last year when he made such a hames of the e-voting thing (sorry, that should read when e-voting had to be postponed)? And there's still no sign that Dick Roche has managed to off-load any of the bloody machines, even though I told him he could visit every other banana republic in the world that might want to know the outcome of an election in advance (sorry, I didn't mean to put in the word 'other' there).

I'm hoping you will all agree that it is not unreasonable to lay down this rule. And of course, it's always possible to pull a few stunts here and there if the figures look like going wrong as long as the bloody Tánaiste (sorry, Mary, I forgot this letter was going to you, too) doesn't keep spilling the beans. After Rabbitte had a go at me on Tuesday and Wednesday, he got Mary to admit on Thursday that the delay in sorting out the nursing home issue was costing us E12 million a month. How am I going to be able to stick to global figures like E50 million when she keeps throwing around figures like that? Now, you know what this means, lads. I'm afraid there'll be no more Punchestowns or Bertie Bowls, at least until after the election.

Whatever we do, we have to prevent them finding out how much we've already spent on office blocks for decentralisation, even though we'll probably never use them.

And no matter how bad the row gets over Dublin airport, I'm drawing the line at four terminals one for the public, one for O'Leary, one for Aer Lingus and any other airline that wants to use it, and one for Mary and the rest of the PDs. If that doesn't sort it out, I'm not allowing a penny more to be spent. E50 million a terminal, that's the absolute limit.

Best wishes,

Bertie Ahern