The fresh new Cabinet ... Hang on, this is the same old, stale old crowd

BERTIE AHERN’s Cabinet reshuffle was not so much like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but more like declaring the iceberg to be a national monument.

Actually, it was grossly unfair of the opposition to describe the Taoiseach’s housekeeping as just furniture rearrangement on the deck of the ill-fated ship. It was substantially more than that.

Bertie managed to refloat the ship with practically the same crew in the hope of taking on the iceberg again. Unfortunately, the iceberg is called Ireland.

Before he produced his back-to-the-future Cabinet, it is conceivable that Bertie Ahern repaired to North Dublin for a spot of meditation among its leafy trees.

Hardly surprising, as with the last time he sought inspiration from the trees of North Dublin, they were lacking in revelations.

Having long promised a “genuine reshuffle”, when the time came to deliver the Taoiseach realised he would have to engage in a sleight of hand - or should that be “slight” of hand, given the cards he was dealt.

The same principle applied to a reshuffle promise as did to a general election promise - it doesn’t have to be delivered. And anyway, why fix something that wasn’t broken? After all, it worked the last time out and that’s the reason why he’s still the Taoiseach.

So, his “genuine reshuffle” resulted in one senior minister and one junior minister being sacked. It was breathless, with its lack of fresh air. Of the three new senior ministers, two vacancies had to be filled with Charlie McCreevy and Joe Walsh duly obliging by doing the decent thing. That leaves eight of the original Cabinet still sitting around the table. The only difference is that they are in new guises.

It is difficult to interpret what the Taoiseach meant when he marched into the Dáil with three new, shiny ministers - and eight second-hand ones - and described it as the “force that would drive the country forward, maintaining economic growth and high employment rates”.

At least he’s retained a sense of humour and insists on calling this latest Cabinet conglomeration a “new team”.

He must have a sense of humour, or at least irony, when you consider some of the people he has lumbered himself with - and us.

The million dollar man is back - Martin Cullen who, as Minister for the Environment, tried to defy the best available advice to bring us e-voting and in the process cost the taxpayer €50m.

Had the aborted e-voting cost us twice that, he probably now would be Tánaiste. Instead, Martin Cullen is now Minister for Transport, and the first thing he’ll do is get Aer Lingus to switch to a fleet of Concorde. (I know ... I know ... but somebody should tell him).

Even though the ball was being kicked out to the wing to Noel Dempsey as being responsible for the e-voting disaster, he actually spent less than €4m.

The annual report of the Comptroller and Auditor General, John Purcell, spelt out in no uncertain terms that the e-voting debacle cost us up to €50m, no matter how much Martin Cullen tried to undersell the cost to the taxpayer.

The C&AG, known as the public watchdog on how the Government wastes money, said that the project should have been subject to more rigourous cost/benefit analysis in view of the scale of the financial commitments.

You might think we know the cost - €50m - but in fact it’s more. The infernal machines Martin Cullen bought, thousands of them, have to be stored and insured and we don’t know how much we are paying for that.

There was also the question of an extra 400 machines bought by the Department of the Environment for the Nice referendum, but somebody forgot that they had to be modified, and as a result they cost an extra €680,000.

An “avoidable” cost, as John Purcell said in his report.

Another member of the “new” team is Seamus Brennan, who as Minister for Transport introduced the penalty points system, which was supposed to rein in speeding motorists and make the roads safer. What he forgot to do was make sure company cars carried some sort of warning sign for other motorists, because drivers of those cars are above the law and can travel at whatever speed they like without repercussions.

WHILE he was at it, he might have ensured there were decent cameras to keep an eye on those drivers who could be prosecuted.

More than 65,000 images from fixed cameras were “spoiled” because of difficulties identifying registration numbers or due to technical difficulties.

John Purcell on the points system: “While the fixed charges and penalty points measures have been in place for a relatively short period, my examination reveals operational, administrative and legal impediments to its smooth and effective use.”

Mary Coughlan, who is now Minister for Agriculture, will, hopefully, chase delinquent farmers with the same tenacity with which unemployment fraudsters were jailed.

Wearing her old hat as Minister for Social and Family Affairs, 28 people were imprisoned, mainly for unemployment payment fraud, as her department sought to clean up the area.

I’m not sure how much money was involved, but as the new Minister for Agriculture I presume she will apply the same rigourous detection standards to recovering the rest of the €38m Irish farmers are holding on to and which they should return. They got the money by error under CAP payments, and so far only about half of it has been recovered.

Interestingly enough, while 28 people were jailed for social welfare fraud, nobody saw the inside of a jail for tax fraud.

There has been much speculation as to why Tánaiste Mary Harney apparently demanded the health portfolio, because you would have to be as sick as the worst patient waiting for a bed to take it. It’s probably the only chance of getting a bed.

Mícheál Martin obviously couldn’t care less why, just as long as he’s out of it and, in fairness, he got the odd bit of criticism.

However, if the PD leader starts talking about getting more people off the waiting list and into hospitals, it means that trolleys will be done away with. They take up too much space, and more patients will be accommodated on the floor. It might be good for their backs.

Michael McDowell is being detained in Justice, despite the fact that he managed to lose 2,000 extra gardaí immediately after the results of the general election were announced.

And finally, a statement is expected from Osama bin Laden from a dugout somewhere in deepest Pakistan or Afghanistan suggesting that he is prepared to talk terms - now that Willie O’Dea has been appointed Minister for Defence.