McDowell shoots himself in the foot before Dubya’s hitmen arrive

WHEN Justice Minister Michael McDowell gratuitously gave the nod to US security men to take target practice during their upcoming visit to Ireland, he probably did so with members of Sinn Féin in mind.

Short of putting out a contract himself on prominent members of that party, getting George Dubya's secret service agents to do the dirt would be the ideal solution.

The Government could claim it had nothing to do with it, just like so many other things it does nothing about. And it would be doing the country a favour by ridding the Government of its biggest threat of a return to power.

At this stage, we all know that whatever is good for the Government is good, automatically, for the people.

Legislation giving effect to this credo will be introduced as soon as the local and European elections are out of the way.

Don't snigger - anything could happen with the present conglomeration.

Let's face it, you just could not invent the notion of a minister for justice telling the security agents of a foreign power that they could open fire if they believed it necessary "to save lives."

That would be the first belief a security man would be converted to even before the smell of cordite evaporated, in the event of an innocent bystander being killed.

But then, as Mr McDowell has been wont repeatedly to tell us, there are no innocent bystanders in Sinn Féin, so maybe it might be alright for the security men to 'save' their lives.

Thankfully, Garda Commissioner Noel Conroy was on hand to help the minister out of the hole he was digging for the potential targets of the secret service.

Mr Conroy pointed out that they will not be immune from prosecution if they embark on any life-saving missions.

Anybody who commits a criminal offence will be dealt with, no matter what part of the world they come from.

It was no harm to lay down a marker for these lads, because they don't hang around.

None of us is so naive as to think that the secret service men will be wearing jackets without a bulge.

When they were in London with the president they made some preposterous demands. Not alone did they want the London Underground closed, they wanted permission for US aircraft to be deployed against rioters.

We should be on our bended knees that they only want to shoot us.

Commissioner Conroy is right about immunity, but he's more than a little bit off the mark in his comments about guarding the president.

He said: "As far as the security of the president's visit to Ireland is concerned, it will be dealt with by members of An Garda Síochána and members of An Garda Síochána only."

I'm sorry to disagree with him. Technically, he's right, but the fact of the matter is that all those Clint Eastwood wannabes from the US secret service hanging out of George Dubya will be looking after their pres, and nobody but them. Even the commissioner will find it difficult to get anywhere near him, that's if he had the inclination to.

If anything happens to Dubya, apart from putting his foot in something, naturally the gardaí will be held responsible and ostensibly blamed for it.

From that point of view, maybe the commissioner shouldn't be too quick to put the boys in blue in the firing line, so to speak.

He might be better advised to go easy about hanging responsibility on the gardaí in case he inadvertently hangs them out to dry.

The chances of anything happening to Dubya while he's here are remote, but on the other hand, it must be admitted he's not exactly universally loved.

There would be no point in Commissioner Byrne telling a possible future tribunal that he was powerless to do anything to save the pres because of the overbearing and intrusive secret service. At the moment, he's telling anyone who'll listen that the gardaí, and only the gardaí, are responsible for his security. Being a bit bullish might not be a great idea at the moment or, indeed, if mature recollection should beckon in the future.

This could be the time to pass the ball out to the wing.

It hasn't been announced yet where the EU-US summit is going to be held, but the suggestion is that the venue will be somewhere with a castle.

If your townland doesn't have a castle, then give thanks because some unfortunate place is going to be visited very soon by a veritable living nightmare.

An American presidential entourage doesn't just arrive it invades, and I mean invade.

Just ask anyone from Ballyporeen.

THE little Tipperary village was subjected to such an experience on the June bank holiday in 1984, when Ronald Reagan descended to discover his roots, which are usually attached to votes back home.

As one of the reporters based there for the best part of a week before the event, it was chastening to witness the transformation of an Irish village into an adjunct of the US of A.

The secret service, as well as White House aides for this, that and the other, arrived in the village and simply took it over. It was like a bloodless coup.

These Yankee accents in trench coats spent days scouring Ballyporeen for potential threats to the then First Lady's husband, and we watched them from every angle. Well, from as many angles as there are pubs in the village.

Eventually, almost on the eve of President Reagan's descension from on high, one of the spooks spotted a likely menace near the church where he was going to attend an ecumenical service for peace in the world.

We had all seen it every day we were there but, fair play, it took the eagle eye of a trained and experienced secret service agent to spot the threat.

It was in an unlikely place. There, on the gable wall of the local post office, a stone's throw from the church, was one of those huge advertising hoardings with an ad for Bushmills whiskey.

It proclaimed: "Bush the President's Choice."

And very clever we thought, because George Bush, Dubya's daddy, was vice-president to Reagan.

Obviously, not so clever thought some of the president's brightest brains. A covert action was sanctioned and before the arrival of the Great One, Bushmills whiskey was reduced in rank.

When Reagan passed the gable wall of the post office, without giving it a second glance, the ad read: 'Bushmills - the Resident's Choice.'

Overnight, the capital P had disappeared, terminated by executive order.

What might have happened to the president had he espied the original ad we'll never know, for once again the secret service had protected their target with selfless dedication above and beyond the call of duty.

What we do know is that US presidents visit Ireland cynically to influence the Irish in America not the Irish at home. Reagan was re-elected in a landslide.

Afer all is said and done, Dubya is coming on the same pilgrimage but, hopefully, without the same outcome.