Friends' tribute to man who died by suicide sees him 'being recognised for his life'
A large crowd was in attendence at the unveiling of a bench overlooking the harbour at Camden, Crosshaven, Co Cork, dedicated to the memory of their Alan Buckley. Picture: David Creedon
Eleanor Buckley will never forget the words she uttered to her beloved son the night before he took his own life.
“I think you’re turning a corner”, she told him.
The 39-year-old had appeared to be on the mend after years battling severe depression. Tragically, Alan would end that battle the very next day.
September 28, 2023, the day that Alan Buckley took his own life, is a date the family will understandably never forget. But in a moving tribute, it has now been etched onto a bench overlooking Graball Bay in Crosshaven, where Alan spent happy childhood summers.
Alan’s friends, who he met while holidaying in Graball and known as the 'Graball gang', came up with the idea, and the bench was unveiled earlier this month to mark what would have been the Corkman's 40th birthday.
Originally from Bishopstown, Alan had holidayed in Crosshaven as a child before his parents moved there permanently.
“I am astounded by the young people and their decision to honour Alan,” his mum Eleanor said. “Years ago, this would have been a criminal offence. I’ll be 70 this year, so I know there was a time when there was no such thing as a Christian burial for someone who died in this way.
"Now my son is being recognised for his illness. He is being recognised for his life. It’s like they are bringing back the person Alan was before his illness.
“There were a few kids of about 12 or 13 who told us they will be going to visit the bench as often as they can and whenever the weather is fine. They were so bright and vibrant. They were like a reflection of the 'Graball gang' who spent so much time there. It’s really nice to know that so many people passing the bench will say Alan’s name.
"To us, as a family, that’s phenomenal.”
She summed up Alan’s personality.
“He was a young, vibrant, handsome man," she said.
"If somebody died of cancer, you would like to remember who they were before their illness, and that’s exactly what we’re trying to do.
"He had the most infectious laugh that would send everybody else into belly laughs. He was highly intelligent and well-read in so many topics. He had an energy that people were drawn to.
"He did have plans. I found a notebook saying that he was going to marry and settle down by his 40th birthday.”
Eleanor said she is keen to talk about Alan as much as possible to raise awareness of what she describes as a mental health “epidemic”.
“I prayed for a miracle when he was ill, but now I have to see that miracle as the peace he finally has," she said.
"He was suffering. I saw that suffering a lot. On some level I have had to accept his peace. I would want him to be peaceful with his family, but his peace is in heaven.”
Eleanor recalls the night before Alan took his own life.
“He sat with me for a long time, which was unusual because he normally got restless. My words that night were: 'I think you’re turning a corner.' Every time I looked up, he was looking at me. Now, I know he was just saying goodbye. You couldn’t have judgment because he was suffering too much. He was in severe pain. He was turning a corner, but it was a different corner to the one I had in mind for him.”
Eleanor and her husband Michael had tried for many years to help Alan. The couple first realised the extent of his pain when they received a call from a friend of his in the UK where he was working as an engineer. His parents brought him home to provide support with his recovery.
However, Eleanor says she now realises her son’s diagnosis was terminal.
“I use the word 'terminal' because Alan was terminally ill. I just wonder if he had been at home and amongst friends and had experienced early intervention would this have made a difference?
"The joy had left Alan’s life. He loved music, but couldn’t listen to it anymore. My background is in nursing, but I felt totally out of my depth. He was in severe pain. It’s very important that we talk and tell Alan’s story, because this is an epidemic."
Alan’s medication didn’t work in the same way that cancer medication might stop working for a person with this disease, says Eleanor.
"I would think that Alan tried to fight the idea of letting go for five years," she said.
"It was when he went on the medication that the reality hit him. I think it was a decision he made after trying everything. The darkness can happen in one day or a week. That’s when he decided to let go. There are so many people dying, yet we’re still not putting in the research. Alan’s thinking wasn’t reality, and that has to be looked into as well.”
She said Alan had tried everything to beat his mental illness.
“This happens to the most loved people, so we know love doesn’t cure it," she said.
"It was very difficult, because with mental health, the adult child has total control. Alan went on medication, and when he went off it he tried on his own. He went back to college to study anthropology. He tried to go back to work with another company in Cork, but nothing worked.
"In the last few months of his life, he went back on the medication. We were really worried about him because he was fading away and not physically looking after himself. He disconnected totally from us so we intervened and he agreed to go on medication. We were meeting daily, really. I really do believe that he went on the medication because he hoped to get better.”
Eleanor treasures the birthday card Alan gave her shortly before he passed away.
“My birthday was September 1, and he gave me a beautiful card," she said.
"For five years he couldn’t bring himself to write a card. The disconnect was there. The fact that this was the first one in five years made me think that he really was getting better.”
Eleanor and Michael immediately knew something was wrong one evening when Alan never answered the door.
“We were meant to be having dinner that evening and going to a concert. It was pouring rain, so I was ringing to say we're going up and collecting him for dinner for 5.15pm. There was no answer when I went to the door. I rang a third time, but I had no key to get in. I told my husband that I found this strange because he wouldn’t have been out in the lashing rain. That was when Mike found him.”
Following Alan’s death, the family has benefitted from the support of Pieta House.
“What they are helping us with is the post traumatic stress around the trauma of Alan dying by suicide," she said.
"They are helping us find language to describe what it is we are going through. You are thinking of all sorts of reasons why Alan might still be alive. There are always so many 'what ifs', but it’s important to know that this is normal for a family who has suffered with a trauma like this to go through. They have shown us that even if we were walking beside Alan, it was his journey. It’s taking that awful responsibility off our shoulders.”
Eleanor says the tragedy has reiterated the importance of family.
“Our children are on loan to us, but I thought the loan was when I gave him away to Sydney and possibly a life with someone else," she said. "The loan I had was so different.
"This is so traumatic that it has made us aware of the importance of each other in our lives. That’s what happens. It wakes you up to what you have.”
Eleanor is documenting Alan’s life through pictures and details of their journey on Instagram. To follow Yogini Granny or find out more, visit Instagram @yogini_granny.
She and Michael took part in the Darkness into Light event in aid of the charity Pieta House and raised almost €7,000 in the process, which they hope can help other families facing similar trauma.
She is urging people to donate to Pieta House in memory of Alan. For details on how to donate, visit www.pieta.ie
