'How could I have been so stupid?' Dating apps, rape, and victim guilt 

The head of the Cork Sexual Assault Treatment Centre explains to Sarah Horgan how misplaced guilt is stopping victims from coming forward

Misplaced and unwarranted guilt is preventing rape survivors from coming forward.

Nobody wants to imagine their Tinder date ending with a trip to the Sexual Assault Trauma unit. However, this is the terrifying reality for an increasing number of patients attending Cork’s South Infirmary Victoria University Hospital.

Margo Noonan, who heads the facility’s sexual assault trauma unit, described how presentations like this are becoming a grim but common occurrence that she and the medical team encounter.

A total of 152 patients impacted by sexual assaults attended the unit last year. They include 140 females, 10 males, and two who identified in other categories.

The number is a reduction on 2022, when 190 cases presented. However, Ms Noonan sees a common thread running through more recent presentations.

She says many of the users of dating apps that she has dealt with at the centre had no idea that they had ‘swiped right’ on a rapist until it proved too late. Some of them never even reached the location for their intended date after enduring a brutal attack in a car or secluded area.

Ms Noonan says she and her team hear the same question asked again and again: “How could I have been so stupid?”

She says this misplaced and unwarranted guilt is preventing rape survivors from coming forward.

“It’s very easy to romance someone over the phone or internet because you can show people your best parts,” she told the Irish Examiner.

A lot of people might think they know a person very well even if they are only speaking to them online.

“Decent law-abiding folk will progress to dinner. However, these characters go in for the kill straight away. The first time the victims physically meet them might be when the assault happens.”

She says younger women feature prominently in the patient demographic.

“Younger females in particular are so vulnerable. Kids as young as 15 are arranging to meet people. We would be lost without the internet but if you are any bit vulnerable it leaves you wide open. Online activity adds another element to existing challenges.

“If you communicated with someone before meeting them, then it’s loading that stigma back onto the victim again. They fear being blamed for the attack.

“The reality is that even if you were exchanging messages with 50,000 people online and went to meet them and got hurt it still wouldn’t be your fault.

“It’s not the action that we care about, it’s the outcome. We want to take care of you.

“The main message we want to get out to people is that they have amnesty for all past behaviours.”

She said disclosures are often influenced by media coverage and public opinion.

“If people feel there is a lot of negative publicity around rape victims — as in cases where they hear someone is not being convicted — they tend not to come forward.”

Apps are a gateway for predators

The advocate for sexual abuse survivors described how dating apps are a gateway for predators.

“Dating apps and covid have turned the world into a completely different place. If you had asked someone you barely knew to come for a cup of coffee and a walk with you in the woods 20 years ago, it would have been unusual.

“However, it’s considered acceptable now — and predators are taking advantage of this.

“Many of the service users coming to us think they are the only people this has happened to but unfortunately, there are no unique stories.”

She highlighted the role language plays in sex abuse narratives.

This is nothing to do with sex: It’s about having control and power over someone because of their sexuality or gender.

“People have this idea that it’s sex and it’s not. You may never actually physically contact someone and still be guilty of committing sexual violence. Sex is a good thing when it’s consensual between two people who want it to happen and are able to talk about it. If you mix something that’s meant to be positive into a definition that’s really bad it skews it.

“In reality, rape has nothing to do with sex.”

She is urging survivors of sexual abuse to reach out from a health perspective.

“We are not just a forensic unit,” she told the Irish Examiner. “You might not want to report abuse or have anything to do with gardaí. However, this shouldn’t prevent anyone from having their health checked out.

“If conditions such as gonorrhoea and chlamydia are not treated, they can have lifetime consequences.

“The information won’t feature in your medical history. We avail of the personal information management systems to ensure that everybody’s information is kept as private as possible.”

School visits

Ms Noonan’s school visits, aimed at educating young people about sexual abuse, have culminated in a number of disclosures.

“When I’ve gone to schools and talked to children, there have been disclosures from people who are sitting and listening. We always have support networks in the school. You have a lot of kids going to their guidance counsellors and disclosing what has happened to them. If someone gets up and walks out halfway through, you know that something is coming.

“Some of them may be beyond anything being physically done for them. In those situations, it’s a case of them dealing with gardaí. Most teenagers tend not to tell anyone for the first few months.

“It’s usually after this that they start struggling and asking themselves if it’s their fault.

“There will often be a lot of second-guessing where they are asking themselves ‘did I lead them on?’

“They tend to believe that if they say anything at all they will be in trouble .”

The frontline worker has encouraged young people to seek help following sexual abuse incidents.

“We are mandated,” she says. “If a disclosure is made to us, it’s not as if we can just walk away from it.

“A big room is not the appropriate place to make a disclosure for legal reasons so I normally wait around afterwards. In one school, I had students queueing to talk to me afterwards.

“Normally, they will tell me that ‘this happened to their friend’ but you get the odd student who comes out and tells you everything that happened. This is why it’s so important to change the conversation.

“People are still afraid to talk about this. If we continue to speak in these hushed tones, children pick up that there’s something wrong and project the blame back on themselves.” 

The service also caters for people impacted by sexual abuse in relationships.

“We will move heaven and earth to help find an appointment for everyone,” she said.

“We understand the constraints on the health service but we don’t have waiting lists. 

"Maybe the kids have to go to school or the person needs to wait until someone is out of the house.

"Sometimes, it takes six missed appointments before the patient actually gets into us for care. You could have someone who has never kept any appointments who asks if they can come and see us. 

"Even if this is the case, our answer remains the same: “Absolutely, we’ll fit you in.”  

• To find out more about the Sexual Assault Trauma Unit, visit www.sivuh.ie/departments/sexualassaulttreatmentunit.html.