Finding solace in sharing the grief of losing a child

A Kerry woman hopes to help others express their feelings of loss, writes Donal Hickey

EVEN in an age when people are talking openly about hugely personal issues in their lives, expressing grief is an ongoing struggle for many.

We often hear tell of the depth of a mother’s grief for a dead child, which words cannot adequately describe, but Mary Crickard has now penned her own story, hoping it will help others.

Her 20-year-old son, Shane, died in a motorbike accident not far from his home in Ballyduff, Co Kerry, in July 2008, and she is sharing her long and heartbreaking journey since then in a book just written.

The aim, she says, is tell the truth about the process of living with grief, about the real impact of a great loss — not just the superficial mask people can put on to give the false impression they’re doing fine.

“I’m hoping this will give people suffering the same or similar loss an avenue to start talking about it. By talking you expel a bit of grief,” she adds.

Unless people go for counselling, they are left “muddle on” as best they can, but by giving an honest account of her own experience, the topic might be opened up for people.

“Some people collapse and stay at home and become withdrawn, but you’re better off to get up and keeping moving. People can also be very bitter, but coping with grief can also create a better person and have a refining quality on people. You can be bitter or better,” says Mary.

“Grief also opens your eyes to the important things in life and to dismiss a lot of the falseness and insincerity. It gets you down to earth and you slowly begin to rethink a lot of things.”

The primary teacher has a broad view of grief which, she believes, comes in many forms and not just after a death of a loved one — following a relationship breakdown or other losses in life, for instance.

“Anyone can put on a mask and, to the world, they can appear to be coping well with loss, but I’ve been open in the book and set out to be totally honest and frank,” she explains.

“In openly telling of my own experience, I can only hope it will give others the courage to talk about their grief. Another reason for writing the book is to try to give people an understanding of what the grieving process is all about.”

Mary Crickard also wants to get away from trying to blame someone else, saying that writing her feelings down helped her heal and to stop trying to finding someone to blame.

It was after family members and friends had asked her how she dealing with Shane’s death, she decided to commit her feelings to a diary. Charting her innermost feelings was difficult process in itself, but she is convinced it could be of benefit to others.

Having read over the diary a number of times, she decided to write the book to share her own feelings so as to help others with their grief.

“People thought I was doing fine after Shane’s death and appeared to be coping well, but I knew inside I wasn’t,” she says.

“I’ve charted the grieving process with all of its feelings, thoughts and regrets that occur in the context of a large Irish funeral.”

She retains extremely fond memories of Shane, her eldest child, who worked in construction; who had a gift for fixing cars; and who took a motorbike to work on the day of his accident, after his car had broken down. There are two other children in the family: Jim, 22, and Denise, 19.

In the book, she writes about the worries she had for Shane immediately after his death and her feeling of helplessness at not knowing where he had gone and not be being able to comfort him.

“I’ve held nothing back,” she says.

- Life and Loss: A Mother’s Journey in Search of her Son’s Soul, by Mary Crickard