Not quite closing time at the last-chance saloon

IT was the lock-in from Hell.

Being trapped in a pub for two hours with the seven presidential contenders droning on like barroom super-bores about how great they are was enough to turn anyone to drink, given the petty and poisonous nature of this campaign so far.

Dublin’s groovy Sugar Club, the venue for the Today FM sponsored debate, was doing a brisk trade in booze, but listeners must have had no such joy in deciding who to choose.

All reverted to type, such as when Martin McGuinness finally took a much needed break from name-dropping his dear friend — and, he would have us believe, political mirror image — Nelson Mandela, only to instead concentrate on massaging his ego with what he called his “special relationship” with Bill Clinton.

Given Vincent Brown’s joke at the last debate that the Sinn Féin candidate claims to have spent more time in the Oval Office than Monica Lewinsky, let’s just hope Mr Clinton does not feel the need to declare: “I did not have special relations with that man.”

And it was yet another day of disaster for Gay Mitchell, as Fine Gael’s man proved once again he is the car crash candidate who just keeps on skidding.

Despite having absolutely no relevance to the first question asked, it took Gay exactly six seconds to mention his Dickensian childhood. But to be fair to him, he didn’t lay the despair on quite as thick as usual — at times during this campaign, it has felt like he has been just one misery memory away from recounting that time he was stuffed up a chimney to do a quick bit of sweeping.

But then maybe that’s why he always seems so angry — let it go Gay, let it go.

And even when he isn’t being negative, he still manages to royally screw up any positive statements. Such as his announcement: “I want to set the Áras — really not metaphorically speaking — on fire.”

So, Gay, you actually want to burn down the presidential palace in a fit of Áras arson if you get elected? Thanks for clearing that up.

And who needs enemies when Gay will deliberately remind voters of his own delusional idea to bring the Olympics to Dublin when he was Lord Mayor, before then clumsily referring to the special Olympics in a way organiser and rival Mary Davis condemned as insulting to the disabled athletes and their families.

With a quick dig at the salary of debate host Matt Cooper, and a plea to the British Queen to let us rejoin the Commonwealth, Gay was finally quiet — although it must be difficult to keep talking when you have both feet in your mouth.

Perhaps put out by the blatant McGuinness name-dropping, at one point David Norris declared for no reason: “Mary Robinson was my barrister.” Oh no, David, don’t mention the lawyers again — not after all that horrible Israel business.

Although, at least it was progress for Norris to actually remember who his legal team were, after that suspicious and excruciating stonewalling over where he got his Israeli advice from during the TV3 debate.

As usual, breakout independent candidate Sean Gallagher tried to appeal to everyone, while largely saying absolutely nothing about anything.

His only wrong-footing was when he declared Irish business needed to take more risks — erm, isn’t that what got us into this mess in the first place, Sean?

But then, Gallagher’s memory isn’t quite what it should be, given he claimed to have left Fianna Fáil two years ago, only for it to emerge later that he remained on its national executive until last January.

Labour’s Michael D Higgins twinkled in the fairy lights hanging above the stage as his hands exploded into seemingly uncontrollable balletic movements as his theatrical voice danced through the air.

But given the setting of the table, it was impossible to see whether the diminutive “Big D” was being plumped up on a special height-enhancing cushion, while the long covering hid whether his little legs reached the floor or not.

As forthcoming as ever, Dana, like most of the others, refused to say who she would give her second preference to.

“It’s a really good question but I’m not going to answer it,” she announced — unintentionally summing up her whole attitude to the campaign, especially when asked why she kept her American citizenship secret, even when declaring for the presidency last month.

Dana, who has insisted she is not the Catholic candidate, turned sharply on people who feel the presidential oath’s reference to God excludes non-religious people. “Why would they feel they must be listened to and they must have a voice on these sensitive issues?” she demanded.

Pah! People in a democracy wanting a voice and to be listened to — the very nerve of them, Dana!

Cocktail of the month at the Sugar Club is the Cuba Libre — and I think we’re all going to need a stiff one at the end of this campaign.