Killeen exits stage left as Kenny steps out of the bunker

IN, out, shake it all about.

So, farewell Tony Killeen, Minister for Defence — or to put it another way: a guy few people had heard of quits a job the country actually doesn’t need and really can’t afford.

Mr Killeen briefly flickered across the national consciousness during the Government’s Bailout Big Lie Week in November when after days of the Two Brians treating voters like idiots, second-rank cabinet members were wheeled out to, er, treat voters like idiots.

Mr Killeen excelled himself by insisting the nationally humiliating €85 billion rescue package was just a loan, and sure, hadn’t we all taken loans in the past and paid them back?

So, while the country was horrified at the scale of the unfolding financial disaster, Mr Killeen seemed to think the IMF were here to give us a kitchen extension.

But while it’s a teary goodbye to Mr Killeen, it’s a cheery hello to Enda Kenny whose back, Back! BACK!

Yes, Enda was 11 minutes late for his return to frontline politics to launch Fine Gael’s tourism policy, but it clearly takes a long time to unchain him from the secret hideout where party handlers have been holding him since the budget so he doesn’t frighten the electorate too much.

Enda had suddenly appeared on the internet earlier in the week via a happening, downtown coffee shop, sounding like a slightly less clued-in Joey from Friends — his absence from the political scene and strangely tousled new hairstyle leading to unfortunate jibes that this might be a made-up Enda2.0.

But the trouble with trying to prove Enda has been replaced with a soulless android is how would anybody tell the difference?

It was especially difficult to gauge if this was really the real Enda because it was impossible for him to get much of a word in around tourism spokesperson Jimmy Deenihan, whose comments essentially consisted of “tourism money good/travel tax bad” yet it took him about five hours to actually say this.

Even Enda had difficulty keeping his eyes open during the dreary diatribe.

Indeed, the only stimulating moments in Mr Deenihan’s boreathon were when his mobile phone kept going off. It rang four times in fact. He didn’t seem to realise putting it on silent might solve the problem.

Then Mr Deenihan dazzled us with Mr Kenny’s one cabinet moment in his 36 years of public life when he announced: “We are very fortunate our next Taoiseach was Minister for Tourism — he has vast experience of tourism.”

Yes, thank God, Kenny didn’t waste all that time being head of the World Bank, or something useless like Finance Minister — what good would those skill sets be to the nation now?

Barack Obama? Pah! What experience did he ever have? When Barack was famously “experimenting” with cocaine, Enda was Minister for Fun — put that in your pipe and smoke it, Mr President.

Who says hospitality Kenny’s not ready for the top job? Fawlty Towers? It’s going to be Enda’s Fáilte Towers that powers Ireland out of the biggest slump experienced by any industrialised nation in the past 80 years.

Enda’s even got a buzz phrase for it: “By 2016 I want this to be seen as the best small country in the world to do business in,” he announced after momentarily prising the microphone away from Deenihan.

That’s right Enda: Think Small.

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