Money’s too tight to mention for gallivanting Gilmore

SIMPLY red or just simply ridiculous? Opinion was divided on Labour’s budget plans.

Now, Eamon Gilmore and Mick Hucknall may make for unlikely bedfellows, but the diminutive duo could well soon have something in common — the need to issue a belated sorry.

Simply Red frontman Hucknall has made a desperate attempt to regain the limelight by declaring a blanket apology to all the women he slept with at the peak of his fame.

“Between 1985 and 1987, I would sleep with about three women a day, every day. I never said no. This was what I wanted from being a pop star. I was living the dream,” the crinkly crooner and hate figure for music lovers and anti-ginger bigots trilled, before adding: “I regret the philandering.”

And when it comes to political philandering, few could match easygoing Eamon’s love ’em and leave ’em philosophy — from Official Sinn Féin, to Sinn Féin: The Workers Party, to the plain old Workers Party, to New Agenda to Democratic Left and then onto his latest fancy, The Labour Party, gallivanting Gilmore’s stepped out with them all.

He is a compulsive political charmer, always whispering sweet nothings into the ears of impressionable voters.

Public sector job cuts? “Oh, no, no, no, don’t worry your pretty little head about that,” he sighs gently. As much as €6bn in budget cuts? “Let me help you slip into something more comfortable, say €4.5bn?” he soothes. Tiresome old tax rises? “I’m sure we can think of something better to do with our time together,” he breezes with a knowing wink.

Indeed, Eamon has seduced voters with such an array of easy options, there may well come a time when he is forced to deliver a Hucknall-esque public apology himself: “Between 2008 and 2010, I would make about three promises a day, every day. I never said no. This was what I wanted from being a party leader. I was living the dream of a Labour victory and high on the polls.”

Worryingly, Hucknall’s absurdly self-aggrandising apology may give his crumpled career the oxygen of publicity it so clearly does not deserve, leading to all sorts of political spin-offs.

Our IMF masters have already replaced A Soldier’s Song with their own anthem using Mick’s Money’s Too Tight To Mention, and could Hucknall also hold the key to our beloved Taoiseach’s future career?

Already known as the Unbelievable Taoiseach for being unbelievably bad at his job and voters being unable to believe anything that comes out of his mouth after the bailout denials, Brian Cowen has reached a new level of unbelievableness as at 8% his approval rating is actually lower than the bond interest rates he has saddled the country with. Unbelievable.

But fear not, there is life after Leinster House and Biffo is already known internationally for his voice — yes that strangely gruff and slurry one he was sporting on RTÉ’s Morning Ireland after being at the centre of that notorious 3am singsong in a hotel bar at the FF Galway drink-in.

All those “Irish PM Denies He Was Drunk” headlines really raised his international profile. (Oh, how proud we were of such world attention!) So a career switch into late-night cabaret must beckon with a slightly tweaked rendition of Simply Red’s Holding Back The Beers surely set to be a crowd pleaser for him.

As I said, Irish politics can be simply ridiculous sometimes.

More in this section

Puzzles logo
IE-logo

Puzzles hub


Text header

From florist to fraudster, leaving a trail of destruction from North Cork, to Waterford, to Clare, to Wexford and through the midlands ... learn how mistress of re-invention, Catherine O'Brien, scammed her way around rural Ireland.

War_map
Execution Time: 0.225 s