More cut, less action and lots of dramatics at Dáil film fest

THE Dáil Film Festival was in full flight.

TDs indulged their passion for amateur dramatics by recreating scenes from their favourite movies, and few could fault the raw intensity of the Fianna Fáil deputies’ homage to the zombie genre.

But then how could they fail toimpress? The FF boys were, politically speaking, already the living dead and they knew better than anyone what would be coming their way 28 Days Later.

For that fabled date would herald the day after the Budget from hell on December 7. The day when mobs of constituents frothing at the mouth with rage would have nothing left to lose – and, after all the cuts, not much left to live for – and so rip the Fianna Fáilers apart where they stood.

Across the chamber Enda Kenny and Joan Burton made a most unlikely Mulder and Scully from The X Files – though the Dáil detective duo turned it into The Y Files – why had the Taoiseach been so keen on bailing out Anglo? Why was it reported he knew more than he had let on about the sorry state of the bank?

The truth was out there – somewhere.

Mr Cowen was clearly playing the lonely, deluded character in BrokeBank Mountain who could just not bring himself to admit the love he had for the Anglo lads.

“You’re a conspiracy theorist!” he barked at Ms Burton after she dared suggest he was only fooling himself and it was now time to embrace and proclaim his true feelings of adoration for Fianna Fáil’s buddies in The Bank That Ate Ireland.

But Cowen proved himself to be a versatile player and soon switched character to show he was bang on box office trend and proceeded to do a brilliant cameo from fresh release Jackass 3D as he mumbled his take on the strangely sluggish Garda investigation into the Anglo financial fandango.

“I’d like to see it concluded as quickly as possible,” the Taoiseach mused as if he was commenting on nothing more than a piano recital by a seven-year-old at parents’ evening whose enthusiasm outweighed her talent.

No Anglo answers were emerging from Brian Lenihan either as he punched his energies into preparing for his twin Budget roles in the looming slasher double bill Vatman Returns and The Axe Man Cometh.

But Eamon Gilmore was keen to tear back the Labour limelight from Ms Burton and went into rhetorical overdrive accusing the Taoiseach of being a “serial offender” (not to be confused with that niche horror brand of cereal offender films such as the classic Attack of the Killer Weetabix).

But Blamin’ Eamon was only just getting into his stride and was soon insisting that the Government’s latest attempt to undermine the Ombudsman was akin to “slaughtering the watchdogs” – deliberately crude imagery which brought to mind what Disney would be like in the hands of Quentin Tarantino.

Not to be outdone, Moody Mulder was back on his feet as an agitated Enda again tackled the tetchy Taoiseach who, strangely, spat back: “There’s no point getting into a cartoon sketch.”

But it was too late, he and Kenny were already Itchy and Scratchy from The Simpsons Movie – Enda kept scratching for the Anglo truth and Biffo kept squirming with the itch of the inquiry.

And then the coup-de-grace final scene unfolded as Pat Rabbitte moved in to steal the whole damn show with a chilling reprise of Mr Pink from Reservoir Dogs crossed with the Godfather and tried to make the Taoiseach an offer he couldn’t refuse, insisting Cowen got into his chauffeur driven car and surrendered his power to the President – if he knew what was good for him and the country, that is.

But the Taoiseach had changed character again and now had the nerve to accuse the opposition of bringing down national morale and creating the dead weight of gloom that has hung over the country since Mr Cowen took power.

So who really caused the despair? We will find out at the forthcoming general election when weary voters will rudely remind Cowen: I Know What You Did Last Budget.

The End (of this Government).