More guff from Cuffe as Green TD crashes and burns live on air

IT’S a good job Green TD Ciarán Cuffe prefers to cycle — if his car crash radio appearance yesterday is anything to go by.

Wheeled out by the Government to explain the tax-break for bike owners and the levy on the right to park at work, Mr Cuffe performed a dazzling array of back-flips, U-turns and tyre-screeching emergency stops before his staggering lack of knowledge saw him smash headlong into a cul-de-sac at some speed.

Come on Ciarán, it’s as easy as putting bottles in a glass bank. This is your big chance to show the Greens are on top of things and not just talking through their sandals.

How do I get my €1,000 per five-years tax break for cycling to work, Ciarán?

“If an employee wants it, it has to be made available — all employers have to provide it.”

That’s great Ciarán, can’t wait! You sure about that?

“I’m not quite sure. I haven’t seen the details on that. That may not be the case.”

Oh, Ciarán! What about the €200-a-year car-park charge — where do I have to pay that?

“In the major cities.”

So, that’s Dublin, Cork, Limerick, Waterford and Galway, right?

“I’m not sure if it’s every part of those cities. I’m guessing it’s at least the city centres, and possibly the whole area.”

Guessing? What do I do if I can’t afford to park — wherever it is I’m supposed to park in the zone of mystery you outline?

“Some of the cities have half-decent public transport systems.”

Half decent? So I’ll be able to get to work half the time then? Have you really thought this one through Ciarán?

“That may be the case. I don’t have the details of it.”

But surely you’ve worked out what happens where there is pot-luck parking with twice as many staff as spaces? Oh, it drops to €100 each? But that could still be really unfair, Ciarán.

“I’m not sure if it goes down from there or not.”

That’s clear then. And how much will it raise?

“Apparently €10m a year.”

Apparently? That doesn’t sound a lot though, Ciarán, not considering how much it will cost to administer.

How much profit will the Government make for putting drivers through this hassle?

“I don’t have the details.”

Oh, dear, Ciarán. You do actually know you’re called Ciarán do you, Ciarán? Oh good. So if the emergency budget was all about national solidarity why won’t ministers be paying this tax?

“I don’t have the full details.”

Calamity Ciarán then answered a flurry of other questions on his specialised subject with a revolving deployment of the terms “I’d imagine”, “I’m not sure” and most worrying of all, “Maybe”.

If the TD thought he’d managed to cleverly hoodwink RTÉ listeners over his amazing lack of knowledge, he had a rude awakening as the texts poured in — “He knows feck all!” and “More guff from Cuffe” turned out to be two of the kinder reactions.

If the Greens are the only things standing between us and the melting ice caps, there must be some very worried polar bears out there after hearing this performance.