Bert-Mess Monster a real danger to logic

THE early spring sunshine that dappled Leinster House belied the chill temperature in the chamber where the thin ice Bertie Ahern was standing upon began to crack rapidly.

The Taoiseach assured the Dáil he wasn’t attempting to derail and delay the Mahon probe into him and his dramatically active bank accounts for any selfish reasons; oh no, he was doing it for the little-guy TDs who couldn’t stand up for themselves.

The self-righteous self- justification brought to mind the memory of a disgraced British politician who once boasted of battling a perceived injustice against him through the courts by wielding the “simple sword of truth and trusty shield of fair play”.

He ended up in jail. Thankfully that is a fate not even Mr Ahern’s fiercest critics suggest he in any way deserves or faces, but the Taoiseach dangerously straddles the high wire of hubris nonetheless.

A more immediate comparison may well be with Cardinal Desmond Connell, as like the former archbishop, the Taoiseach’s aggressive legal action could find him suddenly staring the wrong way down the barrel of public opinion.

While one hand was patting the Mahon Tribunal on the back with a glowing Dáil motion intended to keep the coalition united just two weeks ago, Mr Ahern’s other hand was holding the knife he was poised to plunge into the probe’s back.

Strangely, no Greens or PDs bothered to turn up to hear the Taoiseach’s tortured explanation for the happy slashing in Leader’s Question’s yesterday.

Mary Harney was no doubt exploring her new post-Super Bowl role as sports minister with a sudden fact-finding trip to the Kentucky Derby or a monster truck fest, but where was John Gormley and his five rainbow warriors?

The Green leader used to sit there like a wronged wife in Mass, going through the motions in public for the sake of appearances.

Maybe this time the shame was too much, the old man had been gambling again — this time gambling on whether his credibility would survive being seen as blocking the tribunal — and he had caused a public scene with one of their best friends, that nice Judge Mahon.

However, the Greens are determined to persevere with this marriage of convenience, and whenever they feel like a little weep at the thoughts of what might have been, they cling to the prenuptial agreement stating if they sit it out for five years, then they get some kind of carbon tax. A funny Valentine indeed.

And anyway, if the Greens and PDs are not too keen to help Mr Ahern erect the Chinese walls across Dublin Castle needed to stop him being questioned over his Dáil statements, he knows he can always rely on Paddy the Plasterer and his real pals.

Wild rumours were now sweeping Leinster House in waves as to what had prompted his legal challenge as the Taoiseach’s determination to stop the tribunal lawyers uncover an unexploded time bomb he had left buried in the rolls of the Dáil began to grip the whole Oireachtas.

The legend of a mythical beast had been unleashed and soon — like its Scottish loch-lurking cousin Nessie before it — all eyes were on the lookout for the Bert-Mess Monster Mr Ahern was trying hard to prevent from breaking through the shattering ice beneath him.