Taoiseach seeking a marriage of minds

LIKE a furtive farmer at a Lisdoonvarna find-a-wife- dance Taoiseach BertieAhern has been eyeing up potential brides.

A man of simple pleasures, he just wants a bit of security for the next five years from someone who is prepared to make room in the relationship for the Bass and the Dubs, but who will still be there for him on those long Dáil nights and hold his hand during the no-confidence votes.

Initially mesmerising, his startling election comeback is now revealed to leave things pretty much on a knife-edge with aphoto-finish of FF: 78, Rainbows: 77.

While Enda Kenny is coming across as slightly delusional in his belief he could still be Taoiseach, Mr Ahern does not have the easiest of tasks in putting together a marriage of political convenience.

His options are intriguing, but all bring an enormous amount of baggage to the relationship. To call the five independents flaky, is to insult the image of a well-known chocolate bar.

The four Shinners definitely still have something of the night about them which means no self-respecting gentleman like Mr Ahern could be seen passing the time with them in daylight.

Which leaves the tworemaining PDs — the diminutive duo — swingers in any potential government.

That nice Enda Kenny has come a-courting, trying to turn their heads with all sorts of promises, but Mary Harney clearly likes the glint in Bertie’s eyes and has fond memories of their 10-year roller-coaster coalition.

Despite yesterday’s exchange of discussionpapers, one partner MrAhern does not really want is the Greens, for the very simple reason that almost uniquely in Irish politics, they actually believe some of the stuff they say.

How’s a fella and his Cabinet buddies meant to enjoy a few bottles of Bollinger in the Galway Races tent when you have sanctimonious Trevor Sargent bringing the vibe down with his moaning: “Bertie and Builders — has he fixed things for them? Yes he has!”.

As desperate as the Greens are for a shot at power after so long on the sidelines, Mr Ahern knows there will be a major flashpoint, probably over donations, but equally as likely to be over something that explodes from nowhere, when the Greens will walk from Government Buildings leaving Fianna Fáil twisting in the wind.

Despite some murmuring from Ms Harney, Mr Ahern believes the PDs are his captured castles, taking the Taoiseach’s Dáil tally to 80.

This leaves him co-opting a Labourite to be Ceann Comhairle and relying on three or more independents.

Jackie Healy-Rae, who is usually referred to in polite circles as a “character”, is keen to dance attendance on Mr Ahern as long as Kerry feels the reflected kick-back.

Beverly Cooper-Flynn is a potential bankrupt and former Fine Gael minister Michael Lowry is officially disgraced, leaving part-time folk singer Finian McGrath and Mr Ahern’s Dublin Central colleague Tony Gregory, who he is said to dislike even more than he does journalists.

But in BertieWorld perception and reality are often two different things. The very fact he let it be known his preferred deal was with the independents immediately provoked the response: “What’s he really up to?”

Step forward, Pat Rabbitte. It tells you all you need to know about the sorry state of the Labour Party that after losing votes and TDs in this election, there is no serious alternative leader. And anyway, at a mere 58 Mr Rabbitte ranks as one of the young guns in this socialist Jurassic Park.

Could Mr Ahern really be prepared to sacrifice five Cabinet seats to get his longed-for security with Labour?

After all, no one could say Pat was not going into the relationship with his eyes open. Judge Mahon has made damn sure of that. Mr Rabbitte speaks of a “blank canvas” if there is no clear outcome of the June 14 Taoiseach vote.

Maybe he would like to get out his brush and paint “Tánaiste” in bright red letters in the space?

The voters wanted to keep Mr Ahern in power, but they did not want to make things easy for him.

After all the “intrusions” into his personal life of late who can blame Mr Ahern for trying to keep things simple, especially considering the ridicule heaped upon him during the campaign when the extent of Celia Larkin’s giddiness with the Brown Thomas charge card for their Drumcondra palace became public.

Maybe, Bertie and Enda should make the electorate pay for giving them such a headache — call the whole thing a draw and make Jackie Healy Rae Taoiseach.