Soap opera finale as leaders shake on it

IT WAS a bit like that episode of EastEnders where Den and Angie decided to give it another go one last time.

Sure, Dirty Den had been up to his old tricks again, but Angie knew she’d be a washed-up nobody without him to cling onto.

The soap opera which began with a whip-round in Manchester ended with a whimper in Government Buildings as the Tánaiste tried to cover his moral embarrassment by extracting a few ounces more of public penance from the tainted Taoiseach.

Bertie, head down and mumbling, delivered his new improved, “Yeah, but no, but yeah” apology, hoping this would be his final humiliation.

Michael McDowell may have been standing right next to him, but the body language belied how far apart the past fortnight had driven the two men.

The Taoiseach carefully studied the upper windows above the door frame, then the lectern in front of him, indeed his eyes fell blankly upon anything that meant he didn’t have to look directly at his deputy as Mr McDowell, like an angry parent scolding a wayward child, told him that it was “wrong to accept gifts or loans from strangers while holding public office”.

With the “stranger danger” warning out of the way their eyes locked briefly as the Tánaiste insisted there had never been an angry word exchanged between the two in seven years.

Oh, how they laughed at the very idea of such a circumstance — both sporting smiles as hollow as the Port Tunnel.

With that it was just left to the Tánaiste to tell off the assembled media with a drive-by piece of patronisation. Simply because he boycotted the Dáil and smarted in silence last Thursday, it did not mean he was sulking, he sulked.

Bertie looked relieved it finally seemed all over, but photographers were demanding a handshake to seal this great day for Ireland. Perhaps wisely, both men ignored the cheeky plea, “Go on, give him a kiss!” though you did wonder if there were any lengths they would not go to in order to paper over their tattered relationship in public.

As the Tánaiste lifted the handshake in the air it looked for one scary moment as if a high-five could be in the offing, but as usual Mr McDowell was just seeking the upper hand.

Still smiling, Bertie fixed the PD leader with a stare reminiscent of the one the Terminator uses to digitally map the internal weaknesses of the foes he will later destroy.

With that the two partners, their ethical vows renewed, ascended the magnificent staircase in Government Buildings and the Republic was once again safe.

Only a cynic could have been left thinking that like Dirty Den, the Coalition had been raised from the dead for an unconvincing comeback, and as with poor, tragic Angie, it was all still going to end in tears.