Bad jokes, bad break-ups: open mike night at the Dáil

AS opposition leaders vied with each other to deliver killer one-liners, like would-be comedians at an open mike night, it was easy to believe that this Government has become one big joke.

The butt of most of the humour — brooding Justice Minister Michael McDowell — was notable by his absence from the Dáil yesterday, fuelling rumours he and Mary Harney have, like the Dáil, broken up.

Like Princess Diana trying to steal attention from her errant husband by wearing “that dress”, the Tánaiste sashayed into the chamber in a jacket boasting a shade of pink that could only be described as shocking.

Unfortunately, her (ex?) partner of political convenience was still getting all the attention as Enda Kenny even compared him to Marilyn Monroe.

The FG leader wondered if Mr McDowell’s attempted putsch was inspired by the screen goddess’s adage: “All of us are stars and deserve the right to twinkle.”

Mr Kenny’s crowbar line was like an embarrassing dad dancing to hip-hop at a wedding. You knew it was coming, you knew it was going to be excruciating and you were very glad when it was finally over.

Next up to the mike was Pat Rabbitte, who rounded-on Taoiseach Bertie Ahern’s self proclaimed fears of Labour in power by delivering the most savage political put down of the day.

“The only thing you are really fearful about is that you won’t be in there with me,” he snarled.

The spark seemed to go out of Bertie after that, already down, Joe Higgins knocked him out with more jibes at the PDs — or Political Disfunctionaries as he labelled them.

“It’s a good job the two casualties were only bruised egos — imagine if the two of them ended up in an A&E unit with only one trolley available,” the socialist added.

It was fitting to see so much Fianna Fáil cannon fodder showing up on the 90th anniversary of the pointless slaughter at the Somme. As Mr Ahern surveyed his revolting backbenchers the theme from that masterpiece of recrimination and betrayal, Reservoir Dogs, may have played through his head.

“Clowns to the left of me (his view of Mr Higgins)/ Jokers to the right (everyone’s view of the PDs)/ Here I am stuck in the middle with you.”