Trapped in a web of violence
People who have never been touched by the shadow of domestic violence struggle to comprehend why anyone would stay with someone to be their personal punchbag. For women who have felt the shock and pain of a loved one's fist slamming into their body, the answer is even less clear.
Professor of Psychiatry at the Mater Hospital and University College Dublin, Patricia Casey, simply says there is no easy answer. For each person it might just be one reason, or a variety of reasons, that entangles them in a seemingly inescapable web of violence.
Often, women who are abused in their own home lack self-confidence and esteem.
"Some women are happy to be in a relationship, no matter how bad at times that relationship can be. They are dependent on their spouse or partner and the thought of not being in any relationship outweighs being in a violent one," said Ms Casey.
She said this is maybe because the women married young, are used to having a man in their lives or sometimes, have come from a violent background.
"If you have seen violence when you are young and grow up to believe this is what happens in all relationships, then it becomes normal behaviour. It is often why you see children from a violent background ending up with a violent partner. Their perception of what is right is distorted by their early experiences."
Ms Casey pointed out that nice things also happen in abusive relationships, between the violent attacks.
"All people tend to remember the positive things that happen to them rather than the negative. They remember the romance, the remorse, the love-making, and for a time, this can minimise or reduce the impact of the violence.
"They also believe the person is changing or will change, particularly if drink or drugs are a factor, because they are not drinking all the time or promise to stop taking drugs," she said.
"And some women feel almost to blame for the violence, that they brought it on themselves. This feeling is caused by a lack of confidence. They feel they deserve the beatings because they see themselves as worthless, insignificant.
"They start to believe they are doing things to bring it on themselves. They look for triggers for the violence when there are none. 'If only I didn't question him about why he was late home,' 'if only I didn't break the plate.'"
Ms Casey said women also often feel like failures if their relationship breaks down, that it is a reflection on them. Separation, even in bad marriages, is very distressing, she said. "If the person is getting older, they may feel like they will never find love or happiness again.
"The reasons why people stay in these relationships are very complex," she said.
Interestingly, Prof Casey says children can often be a reason to stay in a violent relationship instead of a motivating factor to leave.
"The woman often does not want to break up the relationship or the home and will endeavour to hide the violence from the children. They always believe things will get better."
Terri Morrissey, chairperson of women's refuge group, Aoibhneas, agrees with Prof Casey that many women stay in violent relationships because they believe it would be too disruptive on the children to break up the relationship and take the children out of their home environment.
It is ironic that many women stay in violent homes because they believe it has less impact on the children than starting over. "Children who come to the refuge with their mother often have behavioural problems. Even an amicable divorce can have an impact on children's emotions.
"If home is dysfunctional, the question women have to ask themselves is whether it is better to stay or leave," she said. Ms Morrissey also echoed the fact that there is no easy answer to the question about why women stay in violent relationships.
Recent research carried out by the Aoibhneas Foundation presented a myriad of reasons explaining why women stay; from economic factors such as having no job, nowhere to stay or no way to pay rent; the belief that they were better off staying in a relationship for the sake of the children; or that if they left they would always be on the run, looking over their shoulder waiting for him to find them.
"It is the ultimate insult to an abuser for their victim to leave. Their power base is gone, they have no one left to dominate or control. It is like a red rag to a bull.
"The perception amongst women is that if they stay, they can control the violence. If they leave, they lose their influence over that person. They also rationalise the beatings by telling themselves it will be over in a minute," said Ms Morrissey.
Aoibhneas' purpose-built facility in Coolock, which caters for 10 families, has never been empty and regularly has to turn desperate women away, although it does try to house them with the help of the local health board or homeless hostel.
Some women might stay for a night or two just to get out of a difficult situation and then go back, while others stay for six months or longer as they build up the strength and skills to go it alone.
"We provide counselling for them, legal aid, access to social workers, lists of schools, etc, and we start to build their self-esteem because many women believe they don't deserve any better," said Ms Morrissey.
"Even though some of the stories are horrendous we had one woman who was thrown through a plate glass window some women really want their relationship to work.
They married him, they loved him once or still do love him and they constantly hope things will get better. Things will change. But some men never change their behaviour."
While bruised bodies, split lips and blackened eyes might seem like good reasons to leave an abusive relationship, crushed spirits and fearful hearts often conspire to make it nearly impossible to find a way out.
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