Anorak Man spikes spooks plans of spymaster Smith

CURRENTLY codenamed ‘The Monsignor’, Michael Smith’s nom de guerre won’t be abbreviated to ‘M’ any day soon.

The Minister for Offence's plan to set up a new elite top secret service to protect the nation from the scum of the universe will no longer be going ahead.

The Taoiseach (codenamed 'Anorak Man') confirmed yesterday the proposed new security intelligence unit body to deal with terrorists won't actually be set up no CIA or KGB or MI6 or Mossad.

Instead there's just to be better organisation, coordination and planning between the existing security agencies, along with improved communication with other international forces.

Disappointingly, as Labour leader Pat Rabbitte (codenamed 'Irate Stickie') pointed out, this means Minister Mick will miss the opportunity to be referred to as 'M', in homage to James Bond's celebrated boss.

Bad news for the 'M's home town of Roscrea as presumably the spooks would have been decentralised to the North Tipperary town.

Highlighting the shambolic handling of the iodine tablets saga by retired spy Joe Jacob (codenamed 'Crackers'), Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny (codenamed 'oo0' or 'Double-O Zero') believed a pattern was emerging.

Referring to the findings of a clandestine organisation known as the Emergency Planning Society, Double-O Zero said there should be single organisation responsible for security.

The demise of 'Smith's Spies' is a shame really because The Monsignor's new spooks could have run security checks on the Blasket Island's for the upcoming visit of US President George W Bush (codenamed 'Dubya' or is it 'Dumbo').

While the location of the forthcoming meeting between 'Anorak Man' and 'Dumbo' is still a mystery, Socialist TD Joe Higgins (codenamed 'Red Under The Bed') suggested An Bhlascaod Mór would be a suitable venue.

The island's most famous former resident Peig Sayers, (codenamed 'Bane of Leaving Cert students') was a renowned teller of fairy tales, just like Dumbo's justification of the war in Iraq.

But the people of the Blaskets could always see through Peig's stories.

"Unlike you, Taoiseach, who can be mesmerised by the tall tales of the White House," the Red Under The Bed said.