Retired gay garda driven to the brink of suicide

A RETIRED garda sergeant said his life was a living hell as a guard struggling to come to terms with being gay.

Speaking to the in-house magazine, Garda Review, the retired officer, aged 47, said he had been driven to the brink of suicide.

He said: “Before ‘being gay’ caught up with me, I cried myself to sleep - if I did sleep at all. I threw pillows at the wall. I couldn’t lie down for very long and neither could I stay up for very long. It was hell living a life of loneliness, hostility, isolation, discrimination ... and I suppose denial of being gay.”

He also pleaded with serving gardaí to be more sensitive with one another and realise the hurt that throwaway remarks at work can have. He said he hoped that young gay officers starting their careers would have a better time than he had.

He added: “Some years ago I wished that I was dead. Had I any organisations to turn to within the force? No - not like in Britain. Why didn’t I kill myself?

“I was close to it many times, but thankfully the Samaritans were there. They listened, but later I wanted more than listening to - I needed counselling.”

The officer underwent five expensive counselling sessions as he struggled to admit to himself his sexuality. He was told that he had given so much to other people in life that his self-esteem was poor.

He said: “I was advised that: ‘You will have to find out in some way if you are gay - but do not be ‘seen as you could lose your job.’”

The retired officer confided to Garda Review that he was celibate until he was 40 but had since found love.