In another of our occasional series ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey José’, let’s take a peek at substitution fetishisation. (Oo-er.) Now there’s a phrase you won’t be used to seeing, not least because I just invented it.

Last time we spoke, three weeks ago, I glumly previewed: “Chelsea, Liverpool, City, and Fenerbache are all eminently loseable propositions; any repeated slackness would surely condemn us to another ‘cracked badge week’, as Fergie called them...”