Learner Dad: Do people buy ‘sculptures’ that spell out the word HOME because they’re forgetful?

Picture: iStock 

Certain moments remind you that you’re basically an old man. I was walking the kids to school this morning when I saw my cousin cycling down towards us on the Curragh Road. We go way back, his band played at our wedding, so I waved him down and we had a chat as the rush hour happened around us. It was only when he looked over to say nice things about my kids that I noticed their faces, frozen with anxious grins, wondering who is this guy and when will our torture end? That was my sisters and I some 45 years ago, when my mother would run into someone down town in Kinsale (we called it down town - Kinsale always had notions.) I’d stand there with a frozen grin, while the person we ran into would say: “Is this Patrick, look at the size of him!” 

I’m a restless, selfish person really, I don’t like waiting for other people to finish their chat about the weather or “isn’t it desperate about poor Miriam?”.  I used to get really cross at my mother for doing it to me. And now I’m doing it to my own kids. And they’ll do it to any kids they might have. Because you need all the adult chat you can get with small kids around - there is a limit on the number on the conversations you can have about Minecraft and Dua Lipa. So apologies to my mother for being an eejit 45 years ago.

Karen’s law:  

I’ve heard the term Karen being bandied around recently without ever bothering to find out what it means. My wife brought me up to speed when she arrived in from the supermarket just now and said, ‘Some Karen is after putting doors up on the alcohol aisle to comply with the new law'. She explained the government has decided that the alcohol aisle must be segregated by a physical barrier to keep it out of the view of children, because if there is one thing we know about kids, it’s they have no interest in anything that is hidden behind a secret door. 

My wife took it a step further and declared that the person who decided this must be a busy-body middle-class woman, AKA a Karen. So now I know what a Karen is. And I also know that the authorities will never stop coming up with ‘something has to be done’ initiatives on underage drinking, that are guaranteed to drive young people to drink. Is there anything to be said for doing nothing? I’d say so.

Home thoughts: 

I’ve always wondered what kind of people buy white plastic ‘sculptures’ that spell out the word HOME. Is it because they’re forgetful and they put them around the house to remind them where they are? Did they get them in a 2-for-1 deal that included a white sculpture that spelt LOVE? Or maybe it’s just is the simplest way to literally spell out what matters to them. 

We got a lesson in how much home matters to our kids during the week. The wife and I are looking at houses online because there isn’t much on TV and it’s not like we can go out for a night. Anyway, our eight year old obviously picked up on this and went nuclear as a result. I don’t mean she threw a daytime tantrum, because we’re very good at ignoring those. What happened is she shouted “I don’t want to move house”, 30 minutes after she had gone to bed and we’d cracked open the Celebrations, assuming she must be asleep.

For any kids reading this, that’s the optimum time to get a message through to your parents. I will never forget the devastation of closing the box of Celebrations so we could deal with our worried child. So now we know how much home means to our kids. And do you know what? That’s lovely.