Charlene Flanagan: I was anxious, scared and vulnerable until I realised trolls serve no purpose in my life

Charlene Flanagan, co-founder of Irish skincare brand Ella and Jo, tells Helen O’Callaghan about discovering an online group of trolls who were criticising and tearing her down. She talks about navigating the hurt and self-doubt that came with public scrutiny and how she decided to reclaim her power and redefine her confidence on her own terms

Charlene Flanagan, co-founder of Irish skincare brand Ella and Jo: 'It was my first time reading negative things about who I was as a person. It floored me. I suffered really strong anxious feelings, even going outside.'

The trolling started about four years ago. I found out through people who, in a very kind way, messaged me about it on Instagram, letting me know certain things were being said about my appearance, my parenting, about how I showed up in the world.

It was people who lived in the locality because my movements were tracked. They knew when I was picking my kids up from creche. I rarely post things in real time, for security reasons. 

If I’m in Galway, I mightn’t post that until the next day. So the online comments would be ‘she says one thing but she’s actually doing another’. They would know scenarios such as where my family might be.

It was my first time reading negative things about who I was as a person. It floored me. I suffered really strong anxious feelings, even going outside.

The platform was anonymous and that anonymity… you had no idea who these people were but you knew they were saying hello to you at the creche gates and then going and writing about you online. 

I was frightened to think somebody disliked me that much. I was scared, feeling my every move was watched, the disclosing of who was collecting my children.

You lose something of yourself when you become a mother. You feel you’re only giving a small part of yourself to everyone — you’re stretched thin trying to be a good mom, wife, daughter. You have to find your new normal and that takes time — so you’re vulnerable.

I was reading these comments for about three months. I felt really sad. How could someone have formed such hateful opinions of me? To a degree, you start believing them: Maybe they’re true? Maybe others think like this about me too? Maybe I’m just oblivious? You almost try to be a version of yourself that you think would make them like you.

At that time, my self-worth was dependent on what other people were thinking of me. When that happens, you’re constantly shape-shifting, no longer authentically yourself. You’re trying to mould yourself into a version you think ‘they’ want to see. I felt I needed to over-explain everything I was doing.

Towards the end of the three months of looking at the comments, I went with my sister to a Tommy Tiernan show in Ballina. I love Tommy Tiernan — he’s one of my favourite comedians. We’d booked it for ages and were so looking forward to the evening.

Walking into the hotel where the show was, and being surrounded by hundreds of people — I’m such a social person, I love being in crowds, chatting to people — but in that moment I felt like everyone was moving at two times the speed around me, and I was like frozen in time. I wasn’t present in my body.

My eyes were on the floor the whole time; I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. I was even afraid to laugh at Tommy’s jokes.

Charlene Flanagan, co-founder of Irish skincare brand Ella and Jo: 'I went home and I cried with my husband, Micheál. I remember saying: “I can’t live like this anymore”.' Picture: Brian McEvoy.

That was the moment… I went home and I cried with my husband, Micheál. I remember saying: “I can’t live like this anymore.”

He said to me: “If you change who you are online to try to make people who don’t like you like you, you’re no longer being yourself. You need to stop reading these things and just be you, because everybody loves who you are”.

My family had already been telling me to stop reading them, but in that moment I believed what Micheál said, and I made the decision to stop. It was hard, but it helped when I remembered the feeling I’d have, typing the website into my phone. My whole body would vibrate, my stomach would start churning. Like a trigger, an alarm in my body, saying ‘this isn’t safe’. I listened to my body.

I realised reading these served no purpose for me and my life. There was nothing good coming out of it. When you feel anxious, scared and vulnerable, it consumes you — you’re distant, vacant and disconnected from everything.

I started therapy. It helped me understand why I based my self-worth on other people’s opinions. One of the exercises was to figure out what my core values were.

What matters most to me are my husband, children, my immediate circle. I value kindness, honesty and integrity. They are my compass and I know when I’m living true to them. Understanding this changed the narrative. I had more peace.

Charlene Flanagan, co-founder of Irish skincare brand Ella and Jo: 'I started therapy. It helped me understand why I based my self-worth on other people’s opinions. One of the exercises was to figure out what my core values were.'

There was a very definite shift where I stopped looking for my worth in other people’s approval and started living much more in line with my own values.

I started showing up for myself through positive self-talk and affirmations, trying to rewire my brain to think positively about myself. I love sea-swimming. I find it really grounds me; I connect back into my body again. I started a gratitude journal. Every day, I write down the tiny, minuscule things that I’m grateful for in my life.

And I’ve realised that taking your power back isn’t about becoming harder, or not caring what people think.

It’s about no longer letting other people’s opinions define your happiness, your confidence or decisions.

• Inspired by her experience, Charlene Flanagan, co-founder of Irish skincare brand Ella and Jo, has created YOU: workshops designed to help women cultivate lasting self-worth, confidence and resilience, grounded not in external validation, but in their own sense of identity and value.