Gen Z Diary: An ‘expired’ student's advice on how to spend your first year of college

Jane Cowan: "I met some of my best college friends on a tour of the library. You really have to go into these things with an open mind."

Last week, instead of receiving a copy of my university timetable for the next academic year, I received an invitation to my graduation ceremony. The email went something like this: Dear Trinity College OAP, we hope you are enjoying the early signs of forehead wrinkles that were in the fine print of your degree requirements. Please don’t forget to tell us that you’ll be coming to your graduation. Feel free to donate your textbooks to the minds of tomorrow. Yours etc, TCD.

Okay, maybe I was feeling a little sensitive as I read the email. But I’ve never felt so old. It’s September! I want to be preparing myself for the start of the college year, ransacking a stationery shop and deciding which floor of the library I should claim as my own for the semester.

Alas, as it was made clear in that very hurtful email, I am basically expired. The first years would call me ‘unc’ (Gen Z’s abbreviation of ‘uncle’, slang for being so painfully behind the times that you embody a middle-aged man). And they would probably be right. In first year, I could sleep on a friend’s floor after a night out, no need for a blanket.

Today, I can’t sleep without two pillows elevating my head to prevent neck pain. But what I lack in vitality, I make up for in wisdom. I was young once. And I feel I must pass my wisdom onto the next generation while I still can. This is how I would approach college in 2026.

Do: Go to the freshers’ fair. This is where all of the societies in your college will set up stalls and try to recruit you with promises of surfing trips and tote bags. You should sign up for at least one society. Maybe you want to recreationally knit or play football in the nude. There’s a society for everyone. My advice? Snow sporting societies are a great way to hack the system. While the rowing society will meet in a swimming pool at 7am Monday to Friday, the distinct lack of snow in Ireland means that the snow sporting society spends almost every one of their society gatherings in the pub. Most of them have never seen a ski in real life. Something to keep in mind.

Jane Cowan: 'Go to the freshers’ fair. This is where all of the societies in your college will set up stalls and try to recruit you with promises of surfing trips and tote bags.'

Don’t: Join that random society that’s offering a free slice of pizza with every sign-up. The pizza was made in Domino’s two days ago. The person handing out the slices has never washed their hands. There’s a reason they have to bribe their members to join.

Do: Go to the campus bar when your classes finish on a Friday. It will be a bit gross and sweaty in there. The queue for the toilets will be too long. And your drinks will come in vaguely sticky plastic cups. But that’s how all good love stories start. Never deprive yourself of the opportunity to meet your husband or wife.

Don’t: Trust a man studying politics. I don’t know the science behind it, but the most toxic guy you know studies politics. They think it’s a superior humanity subject. They have a copy of Marx’s Communist Manifesto in their bag. They asked their mam to Revolut them €20 before they bought it. And they’ve only read four paragraphs from it.

Do: Go to the random things you’re invited to. Pre-drinks with the course mates you don’t know very well, spectating that hotdog eating contest, speed dating, STI testing drive; you should be there. I met some of my best college friends on a tour of the library. You really have to go into these things with an open mind.

Don’t: Commit course-cest too soon. The person sitting beside you in a tutorial may be perfectly lovely. But for the love of God, don’t go there in the first semester. There’s an entire campus out there. And 9am tutorials drag on enough as is. Add being asked to discuss the class reading with a failed situationship into the mix? You’ve just ruined every Tuesday morning for the next 12 weeks for yourself. You deserve better. And if we’re being totally honest, you’re probably just a little bored. A class crush may help to pass the time this week, but at what cost? Play Wordle on your laptop like the rest of us.

Your first year of college will be a bit of a whirlwind. And though I fancy myself as a bit of a spirit guide, take this advice at your own risk. And to the men in politics, take it up with someone else. I’m too old to argue.