Dear Dáithí: My girlfriend thinks I’m planning to propose...but, I'm not

My girlfriend walked in when I was measuring one of her rings. I explained I had planned on surprising her with a ring for her birthday and she seemed delighted. A mutual friend has since told me that my girlfriend believes I'm planning on proposing.

'Do I just go ahead and buy the set I planned on getting her and be very clear that it's NOT an engagement ring?'

Dear Dáithí,

I’ve found myself in a very awkward situation. My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up, and I thought I’d get her some jewellery.

Off I went to a local jeweller where they showed me a few pieces which they said are very popular. I was glad of the steer as I can feel a bit clueless when it comes to things like this. I settled on a set which had a matching bracelet and ring.

There was one problem though.

The person I was dealing with said I’d need my girlfriend’s ring size, as the style I was buying can’t be easily resized.

I figured it might be similar to my little finger, but the salesperson suggested I try and measure one of her rings at home with a piece of string.

Later that day, I had a dig around my girlfriend’s jewellery box, found a ring, and measured it up. I was fairly pleased with myself but got the fright of my life when I turned around and saw my girlfriend standing behind me.

I explained I had planned on surprising her with a ring for her birthday and she seemed delighted.

A mutual friend has since told me that my girlfriend believes I’m planning on proposing. It’s not even something we’ve discussed. It’s not that I don’t ever want us to marry, but it’s not something I’ve really thought about yet and I don’t think I’m ready to get married any time soon.

I’m also very conscious of the fact that my girlfriend thinks I’m going to propose, and if I don’t, what happens then. I have no idea what to do here.

Do I just go ahead and buy the set I planned on getting her and be very clear that it’s NOT an engagement ring?

In the words of Del boy, you are some plonker! As you probably know by now, you should have cleared the way before checking her jewellery box to make sure that she was nowhere near the house. It’s like when a couple go to Paris for a romantic weekend...there is always something in the air that something might happen.

What you can’t do at any point of that trip, especially anywhere near the Eiffel Tower, is go down and tie your shoelaces. You can imagine it yourself...your shoe becomes undone, you go down on one knee to tie the shoe and the next thing she turns around and shouts YES I WILL MARRY YOU! This is exactly where you are with this.

There is now, whether you like it or not, an expectation that you might be proposing. This could be a disaster if you don’t act soon. So, what do you do?

I know I called you a plonker, but I have to say fair play too for being romantic and going to the trouble of getting a nice birthday present. It shows that you care about this person. The fact that you were really proud of yourself and with the way things were going until she came in... it’s like the thing you see in movies.

Now, you did tell her the truth that it was a birthday present, but in fairness, if you were looking for the ring size for an engagement ring, you’d have said the same thing. I know you mentioned that you haven’t spoken about marriage, but that doesn’t matter here; not every couple talks about it before getting engaged.

What we really need to do is manage this, so she’s not expecting a proposal from you. When she finds out that there is no proposal, she will be disappointed, even if she never believed there was a proposal on the cards. 

I’ve learned down through the years that the word proposal does strange things to people.

I don’t think you are the best person to tell her this though because she still might think you are throwing her off the scent. This is where your mutual friend comes in. She knows what’s happening.

You go to her and tell her the truth; that you weren’t messing about with it being a birthday present, and that you are really worried about what your girlfriend thinks is going to happen, and that this might have an effect on the relationship going forward.

I would tell her that you would like to get married to your girlfriend someday, but not now, as this will show that you are serious about her and that you really care for her too. Your mutual friend will get a good sense of how your girlfriend is feeling about the whole thing.

She might be laughing at all of this too, but I’m gauging from your letter that she might be upset. The friend will guide you.

Now you can ignore this, of course, and go and do this yourself. It’s a very mature thing to do. But keep in mind that this will be you ‘not proposing’ to her.

If you say to her, ‘I’ve something important to talk to you about’, that just brings an unnecessary tone to the whole relationship.

This whole thing is just unfortunate and not yours or anyone’s fault. That’s why I’m going for the mutual friend’s route.

Back to another question you had on whether to still purchase the original gift. Yes, I would still buy the set, and when you give it to her, take the opportunity to have a conversation with her about the mix-up.

Be honest with her and tell her that it will happen, if she wants, someday. 

It’s no harm to have this conversation and everything is out in the open, and both of you know where you stand, and that’s one great thing to come out of this.

You might have to get another present as well, maybe a weekend away, just not to Paris! I think a bonus present is called for here with all that has happened.

What you won’t do, just to be very clear, and I think you know this, is you can’t just do nothing and have her believe that there is a proposal happening. That would be a disaster altogether.

Now if all of this has inspired you to propose that’s a different thing, but I get from your panicky letter that you’re a bit off that yet.

I would put money on it, though that this will get the ball rolling in your relationship, and how nice would that be if that’s what you both want.