Diary of a Gen Z Student: Why we cannot trust a performative male

He may be ‘Mr Right’ but he can still break your heart

Jane Cowan: 'The performative male is the perfect man. And he knows it. But it is absolutely critical that we don’t take him at face value. We must look beyond the veneer.'

There is nothing I enjoy more than going to a pub or a restaurant and sitting next to people having a conversation worth eavesdropping on.

Maybe they’re on a first date, or having an argument, or they’re a group of friends spilling some gossip... I will always be grateful for some tableside entertainment.

And if I’m with the right kind of friend, as soon as the table next to us is having an interesting conversation, I will become silent. Because eavesdropping requires serious concentration. ‘Dinner and a show’ — what’s not to love?

Recently, I was sitting in a pub with a friend. Silence befell our table as a group of guys in their early 20s beside us recounted their dating woes.

You may call this nosey. But I’m a journalist! This is what I like to call research.

My attention was caught when one guy spoke about his dislike of women who sit alone outside Metro Café (a trendy café in Dublin city that tends to attract a younger crowd), reading "some feminist shite" sipping on a coffee, “waiting to be approached”, as he said.

I sat there, seething over my drink, with a rolled up copy of Mrs Dalloway sitting in my handbag, restraining myself from whacking him over the head with it. The cheek of him! 

Can we not just enjoy a coffee and a book in peace? Does he really think a girl reading in a cafe is just listlessly waiting for Mr Right to choose her? A dose of reality would do him well.

Now, this column isn’t actually intended to be a feminist rampage (though I am ready for one at any moment).

Because, as I was trying not to smack a man across the face, I was doing a little self-reflection.

Jane Cowan: 'Let’s be real: we’ve all been hurt by an aspiring poet, painter, or musician. So, when it comes to these men, I’ve got their number.' Picture: Moya Nolan

You see, on Instagram and TikTok the "performative male" is a phrase that is thrown about on the regular. It’s not a complimentary turn of phrase. For your sake, I hope you’re less chronically online than me. Based on that assumption, I’ll paint you a picture of a performative male:

• He is well dressed, probably in vintage clothes, baggy jeans, maybe a trendy band on his T-shirt;
• He wears a Carhartt hat (hiding a receding hairline? I can’t confirm.);
• He drinks matcha lattes with oat milk, listens to music with wired earphones instead of AirPods, reads poetry, keeps a mini notebook and pen on him at all times, in case he needs to journal while he’s out and about;
• He’s carrying a tote bag from an art gallery, oozing of high culture and prestige;
• He is passionate about women’s liberation, probably carrying a tampon just in case some woman in his life needs it, because he can’t believe "there’s still a tax on feminine hygiene products?";
• He might also be vegan, but his Docs are second-hand, so they don’t count!

In short, the performative male is the perfect man. And he knows it. But it is absolutely critical we don’t take him at face value. We must look beyond the veneer. Let’s be real: we’ve all been hurt by an aspiring poet, painter, or musician. So, when it comes to these men, I’ve got their number.

I have never doubted the stereotypes about performative males. He may present himself as a sensitive soul who needs poetry to understand his own feelings.

But the important thing to remember when dealing with a performative male is that you cannot trust them. Because if he is reading Keats on his bus to college he knows too much about appealing to the female gaze. And if a man understands women too well, I know it will be only too easy for him to manipulate me further down the line.

You want a man that is vaguely baffled by women. Those are the good ones.

They’re too busy working out what PMS stands for; they don’t have time to be writing poetry for other girls, or hoping their matcha order makes them seem approachable.

At this point, my disgust at this guy’s disparaging remarks about women who read in trendy cafes is clearly a double standard, unfair, hypocritical, whatever. I accept that. I never claimed to be perfect.

One thing about me, is that I support women’s rights and wrongs. And I am not obliged to extend that same understanding to men. If I see a guy drinking a matcha and wearing wired earphones, I will assume he is capable of ruining my life. Because if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. That guy has been carrying around the same poetry collection for three months.