Dear Dáithí: My brother thinks his presence is our real present every Christmas

Dear Dáithí: "I don't mind not getting a present from him but when I see all the gifts my mum and dad have been getting for my brother it annoys me to see him bring them nothing. He'll just shrug and remind us that his flights were expensive, and he didn't have much room in his luggage."

Dear Dáithí,

There’s a very important annual celebration coming up. You know this story... there’s a long journey and some hardship along the way but it’s really all about one very important person who has praise heaped on them and has wondrous gifts presented to them.

Yes, it’s my brother.

And he’s gifting us with his presence again this year.

We used to actually get along when we both lived at home but ever since he got a job in Canada he acts like he invented work. If we’re tired then he’s exhausted and needs to be waited on. So don’t expect him to give the floor a sweep or empty the dishwasher. At least if the house is quiet — if we have guests over he might make a performance out of waving a tea towel near some plates alright.

Also, he seems to have decided along the way that as he has spent so much money on his flights home then he can’t be expected to bring presents for anyone or even just contribute in small ways.

I don’t mind not getting a present from him but when I see all the gifts my mum and dad have been getting for him it annoys me to see him bring them nothing. He’ll just shrug and remind us that his flights were expensive, and he didn’t have much room in his luggage.

Last year we needed bread for ham and turkey sandwiches after Christmas.

He did make it to shop at the corner but actually put the receipt on top of the sliced-pan on the worktop to remind us that he needed to be repaid.

Can I persuade my parents to get him to cop on? Should I message him now and warn him that I won’t tolerate his cheap nonsense this year? Or should I just find some inner zen and get through this?

Dáithí Ó Sé: "It’s funny that he has no space on the way here to bring presents over but plenty of space to bring back the ones he got." Picture: Domnick Walsh

The return of the prodigal son, the great one is on his way home for Christmas from far away and without a slice of

Canadian bacon for anyone. He lands in with one hand longer than the other.

And because your mom and dad buys into all of this it has your head wrecked... and I can see why.

Now, I must confess I was a small bit like him when I was younger when going home for Christmas, I didn’t lift a cup as I would have been in my mother’s way and she would have cleared me out of her way. But I did always land in with loads of presents and Christmas money for my mother — which she still gets today.

The worst part of all of this is his attitude towards the whole situation and that he expects this is the norm when he comes home.

And, in his defence, it probably has always been like this and he knows no different and hasn’t grown out of this ‘habit’.

It might be time that this changes. Your loving mother and father might have to take a little of the blame as they probably set this trend years ago.

But should you say anything about them buying him presents?

I don’t think so and here’s why: Your mother and father will be so happy to see him home, they won’t see this in the way you are seeing so you’re going to have to channel some of your inner zen for this part of it. Enjoy (if you can) that your parents are happy with him being around.

You can’t really get your parents ‘to get him to cop on’ — this is where you need to say what’s on your mind. Now he could turn around and say ‘what the hell are you on about? I’m milking this for what its worth’... and might even ask you if you are a little jealous of what’s going on.

Only you can answer this one if that is the case? Don’t be afraid to be truthful with yourself here.

You have a few weeks before he comes over but now would be a good time to make contact and say that you are excited about his visit home, but you were a little pissed off with some of what happened last year.

But before launching straight into it, ask him first if he has money problems. We can’t just assume that he has money, just like ‘the yank’ coming home years ago.

But do say it to him that everyone in the house pulls their weight and everyone chips in and he should do the same. Remind him of the bread from last year and that he left his own character down by leaving the receipt — that would be like ye putting the oil heating bill into his pocket when he was heading back to Canada.

There is an etiquette in any house, and he needs to be brought up to speed with it and grow up. Now, you have to realise that your mom and dad might even love him more now if he really does grow up, so be ready for that one.

That chat doesn’t have to be a fight, it’s a ‘you know what, brother’ type of chat and that’s that.

The presents chat might be an interesting one.

Tell him the only present you want from him is his own presence at home and that at this point nobody expects him to bring anything because this has been the way. It’s funny though that he has no space on the way here to bring presents over but plenty of space to bring back the ones he got. If you think the conversation is going in a certain way you could drop that one on him.

Many people might be reading this and saying to just leave it, but do you really want this hanging over your head all Christmas? You both got on well when you both lived at home, so you know each other well enough to have this conversation.

All you are doing is showing him something that he can’t really see at the moment.

He is young too and, to be honest, when this is pointed out to him he might feel silly looking back at the way he acted, I think we all found ourselves in a similar situation at some stage on the road to adulthood.

You must also take a few deep breaths here and if you do see him laying around not washing a cup ‘after a long-haul flight’ don’t freak out, it’s only a cup.

The main thing here is that you wake him up a little and make him aware of his actions. There’s no need to frighten him, he’s his mother’s son, the poor crater!