Dear Dáithí: My brother has stopped visiting our elderly mother and I'm picking up the slack

My brother is acting very out of character. He’s more than my brother, he’s my twin. We were always very close, and I would consider him my best friend.

Dear Dáithí,

My brother is acting very out of character. He’s more than my brother, he’s my twin. We were always very close, and I would consider him my best friend. 

We’re 29 years old. Our parents were much older than most of our friends’ parents growing up, and we were taking care of them from our late teens, through college. 

We both lived at home and took turns with the minding duties. Neither of us minded, and it made us a very close family. Our father passed away last year, and mum is now in a nursing home.

My brother and I have a roster for calling in to her every second day. At least, we used to. 

Since he started going out with this girl, she has been pulling him away from us. I can hear the words coming out of his mouth, but I know they are her words. 

My brother would never have dreamed of not seeing mum for more than two days, but he says he has to give his fiancée most of his time now. 

I want to shake him to see sense. We may not have much time left with mum, plus the days he’s supposed to go, she rings me to say no one has been in, so I have to go. 

I don’t mind, but it means I can’t plan anything, and I feel he is being really unfair. We are both still living in the family home, but my brother is always in his fiancée’s house. 

I feel she looks down on us as a family. I want to get through to him, but don’t want to push him further away. My mother and I are heartbroken, he was so easily swayed away from us. What can I do to get him back?

I can't help but feel that you are being left behind on two fronts here. Firstly, your twin has someone new in his life and it seems to be the real deal. 

Secondly, you’re left to mind your mother which means your own life is passing you by, to the point you can’t even make plans of your own. You have a lot coming at you all at once.

I think it’s very tough when children have to mind their parents, especially from a young enough age. It’s nobody’s fault, nobody plans it like this, it just happens. When it does, somebody has to be there. 

For a long time it was the both of you, which seemed fair, but now that has changed.

You have to see your brother’s point of view too in all of this, he has met someone he would like to spend the rest of his life with and that is fine. 

What is not fine in my books is turning his back on his own family when they need him. You can’t do that and if his fiancée has any cop on, she will notice this too and say: “What kind of man does this?”

I’m not convinced as you might be that she is having an influence on him. He’s 29 years of age, he’s a big boy, and well able to make up his own mind.

It does seem out of character that he would now go a few days without seeing your mom, but I’d love to know the real reason. 

It has to be more than wanting to spend time with his fiancée, he has the rest of his life to do that. I wonder if he finds seeing your mother in her final years tough, especially now that your dad has passed. 

This might be his way of dealing with it. The fact that his behaviour lately is so strange, there might be some reason like this. Don’t get me wrong, whatever the reason, this shouldn’t be happening and he should be playing his part.

He is your twin and you have always been very close, so go talk to him about it, remind him that your mother is getting upset, and that she misses him so much. 

If his head is still in the sand, remind him that she won’t be around forever. At the back end of all this, ask him if he finds it difficult. Also, let him how you feel about it and all the extra work you have to do when he is a no-show.

The relationship between you and your future sister-in-law is going to be very important going forward. I think you’re blaming her for a lot in all of this and that might be coming from you not knowing her properly, so you need to do something about this. 

He is your twin and it would mean the world to him if he sees you making an effort. So, get whatever preconception you have of her looking down on your family out of your head.

You need to draw a line in the sand and move forward in a positive light with her. I know some people reading this are saying that you sound a little jealous of you twin brother, but I don’t think so. I think you’re worried about your mother more than anything else.

Now if you have tried everything and nothing is changing or going to change, you’re just going to have to plough on. As I’ve said before, you can only count for your own actions and nobody else’s. 

You can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do. If it is just you who goes to your mother every day, it is you that will benefit from that and when your mother is gone one day, your brother will turn around and say: “Shit, I should have been there and wasn’t.”

That’s all on him, not you.

When your mother does pass, you can ask yourself the question, “was I there for her?” and the answer is yes. There is a huge amount of solace to be gotten from that, and you will sleep better at night because of the hard choices you made. 

You too could go a few days without seeing her if you really wanted, but no, you choose to mind your mother, and I love that trait in people.

So, there is no need to shake him, just talk and explain what is happening and make sure this new lady is part of it too. She is part of the solution and will want to be part of it too I think. The problem here isn’t huge, it just needs to be managed, and you are the person to do that.