Dear Dáithí: I lost the love of my life, and now I feel like I'm living half a life

"I’m sorry to hear you lost your husband, and I really get the sense from your letter that he was the love of your life and not only that, it sounds like he has taken a part of you with him."

Dear Dáithí,

I lost my husband three years ago after a short illness, and while I’ve managed to keep things going on the outside — work, family, and day-to-day bits — I can’t help feeling like I’m living half a life.

I’m 58 now, and the house feels terribly quiet. My children are grown and off doing their own thing, which I’m proud of, but it leaves me rattling around with only the telly for company most nights. 

Friends have been kind, but the invitations have slowed, and I’m starting to feel like a spare part.

Lately, people have started suggesting I “put myself out there” again — online dating, meet-ups, and all that. The thought honestly makes my stomach turn. 

I loved my husband deeply, and I can’t imagine replacing him. But I also can’t imagine spending the next 20 or 30 years alone.

Is it wrong to feel torn, grateful for the life I had, but scared of the years ahead? I don’t know where I fit anymore. I’m not the woman I was, but I don’t know who I’m supposed to be now either.

Any gentle advice would be appreciated.

I’m sorry to hear you lost your husband, and I really get the sense from your letter that he was the love of your life and not only that, it sounds like he has taken a part of you with him.

I can see too that you are a very strong person keeping it all going since, with work, family, and everything else, that can be a very hard thing to do, but what it really says to me is that you took care of everyone and everything else except yourself, the most important thing of all has been forgotten about and we need to change that and start right now.

If this happened to anyone in the 1970s, you would be thinking that’s it, I may as well start counting down my days, but this is 2025, and things are very different. 

You are only 58, you’re not even 10 years older than me, so as you said you have a good 20 or 30 years ahead and you should make the most of it, and what I mean by that is get out and start doing things that interest you and things you always wanted to do, I don’t want you to move to Las Vegas and go crazy, until you really want to.

I often speak to people who have lost a husband or wife who have been married for a long time and there is always a feeling that they are betraying their partners if they move left or right, and this is never the real case, there is no disrespect in any of this when you do meet someone else or move on or even meet someone as a friend.

The automatic thing to come into your head is that the other person is being replaced, and again this is not true, it’s not out with the old and in with the new, it’s just the next natural stage.

If you were to meet someone, and even fall in love, you wouldn’t be forgetting what you and your husband had and you certainly wouldn’t love the memory of your husband any less, there would actually be more love in your life with his new person, and if he’s the right man he will understand where you’re coming from and all will be good.

Now I know you’re a million miles off this at the moment, and as you’ve said, this thought turns your stomach now, but this might not always be the case, so it’s no harm to keep that at the back of your mind.

Another question you have is about feeling torn between not wanting to move on and feeling alone for the rest of your days and is that OK?

Of course it is, actually by even thinking about this means to me that you’ve moved on the next stage in this process and that’s exactly what this is, a process where you move on at your own speed.

So, you are 100% right to question this, but don’t be afraid of the answer. What I don’t want is you writing to me again in 10 years, saying that you should have done something years ago. Now is the time to act.

I can imagine that it can be frustrating when people are trying to live your life for you by telling you what you should be doing like online dating and meet-ups. 

I’ve said it before, opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one; they should keep their suggestions to themselves, they are not helping the situation.

I think you’ve started the ball rolling yourself and if you feel like going out for a night to see what’s out there, do. You’re not going hunting, just out for the night and see how you go. You never know, you might rediscover the woman you once were and how great would that be?

You ask a great question: who are you supposed to be now? Someone in between the woman you once were and the person you are now?

I think you have a blank canvas now, and you can be whoever you want to be and how exciting is that? When you’ve got this sorted, you will definitely know where to fit in; it will happen naturally.

It’s important not to force any part of all of this but I think you know that and have been very cautious with every step going forward for the last three years.

You also have your own children, and even though they have moved out and on in life, ask yourself what part you would like to play in their lives when they have their own children.

Even though the background to this letter is sad with the loss of your husband, there is so much positivity in you looking forward and what you want to do and achieve in the coming years.

People are afraid of moving on, but what you are really doing here is adjusting and only good things come from that.