Dear Dáithí: I've discovered my husband is having an affair, but honestly, I don't actually care 

Lots of people just get on with life while their children are growing up, and find themselves drifting apart for no apparent reason, other than life has gotten in the way

Examiner features weekender - 29.6.2023 :

Dear Dáithí,

I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair. I discovered it by accident, and I’m sure he hasn’t a clue that I know. I won’t lie — I’m not completely shocked. There have been signs for a while now. But here’s the thing: I don’t actually care.

I know that sounds strange, but the truth is, our relationship has always been a bit of a business arrangement. We’ve raised two kids together, and now that they’re teenagers, I just want to keep the peace.

The affair hasn’t changed anything for me. I don’t love him in the way we’re “supposed” to anymore, but I respect him, and we’ve always gotten along well enough to make this work. The problem is, if anyone found out — especially the kids or close friends — I’d be so embarrassed. 

I’ve built this life with him, and I don’t want all of that to come crumbling down.

So here’s my dilemma: Should I tell him I know? I’m not angry or upset — I just don’t want anyone’s opinion or judgment to disrupt the quiet life we’ve built. Should I keep quiet and keep up the façade, or confront him and risk everything?

I’ve come across a few letters similar to yours over the past few months, but none had that added layer of a third party. I’ve also heard of lots of people just getting on with life while their children are growing up, and somehow finding themselves drifting apart for no apparent reason, other than life has gotten in the way. 

If I’m being honest, I find this very sad. I think people put so much time and effort into their kids, careers, and everything else — except themselves. This is a very common feature nowadays.

I’ve read your letter a few times, and I’ve started my response a few times, too, because the whole thing is complex. Now, if you didn’t have children, then we all know what would have happened a long time ago — but you do, and they need to be minded and protected from all of this.

Let’s start with the affair. We need to be 100% sure he is having one. You do seem very sure, but yes, you do need to ask him. You seem to have a very good relationship with him, and even though you don’t love him like you’re “supposed to,” I get from your letter that you can talk to him — even about things like this. 

You need to come straight out with the question. As you’ve said, you’re not angry or mad — explain to him why you need to ask about this. Tell him, like you told me, that you still respect him, that the “business arrangement” has worked well until now, and say what you want to happen. Don’t “confront” — approach him.

He might not want to hear this, but he has to end the affair. If you don’t want people to know this is happening, it must stop now — because if you’ve picked up on it, others might have too. Your dignity is at stake here, and your children’s. 

Your children are teenagers and in school. Can you imagine if they heard about it there? If a story goes around, it could lead to mocking or bullying, and we all know what effect that can have on a teenager (or anyone, for that matter). There’s simply too much at stake in this whole situation. So even though you don’t seem to be hurt or angry — and I believe you — you need to act now.

If the affair continues, two things might happen: he falls in love with this person, and you end up alone in years to come, while he has made a new life for himself, maybe even a new family. You’re left sitting at home wondering where 20 years have gone. 

So, the now is very important in all of this — but so is what’s going to happen after the children have grown up and moved on. What if this relationship continues and the children blame their dad and this new person for breaking up the family? Has your husband thought of that? The more you dig into this, the more complex it becomes.

If this façade is to continue, it needs to be a planned one. Some people reading this might say, “Why don’t they just separate and go their separate ways?” And my answer to that is: I don’t think you’d be writing to me if you wanted that. 

The word “affair” would be enough for most people to walk away, but that’s not easy either. Actually, there’s nothing easy about any of this. I do love your honesty, I have to say. You are taking a very practical approach and have taken the emotion out of something that once had emotion in it. This gives you a clear mind, and there’s a lot to deal with.

A few things need sorting now. First is the end of the affair, for all the reasons I’ve given. It’s time his big head did the thinking. You need to think about yourself in 10 or 20 years’ time. Where do you want to be?

Before you do any of this, you really need to ask yourself if the relationship is just a business arrangement — and whether that idea is helping you make sense of this situation. Be honest with yourself. 

And when you do ask him if he’s having an affair — if he says yes, be ready for it. The second he says yes, it all becomes very real, and it’s not just in your head anymore. That “yes” might start a grieving process you didn’t expect. And if that happens, it’s normal. And if at any point you feel you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out.

You’re 100% right to sort this now, before it gets out of hand.