Richard Hogan: Grandparents can become collateral damage in a broken relationship
Being a grandparent can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life. Picture: iStock
Being a grandparent is a special relationship, one that can bring joy into everyone’s life. But when grandparents are denied access to their grandchildren it can cause profound hurt in everyone’s life. Children become less resilient and their self-esteem is impacted, grandparents are left confused and unable to share their love. A special bond like grandparents and grandchildren should be nurtured and promoted, not shattered.
Being a grandparent can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life. It is a unique relationship. I see it with my own children — how much they love their grandparents.
They always look forward to meeting them because they know they will be spoiled a little and have fun. Whether it’s walks with their grandfather in Sam’s Cross in Clonakilty or listening to their grandmother chatting about her ex-boyfriends while she sews a button onto a jacket, it’s special.
My mother loves her style, and whenever my eldest daughter buys something she likes, she immediately says “I must show Dede.” Dede is their name for her.
I hear them FaceTiming each other — my mother saying “Show me the back of it — oh, that’s fabulous.” The smile on my daughter’s face as she receives the gold standard in fashion approval is priceless.
As I said, it is a unique relationship — one that brings immense joy to everyone’s life. As a parent, you can see just how valuable this bond is — how it supports you, gives your children a sense of belonging, and broadens their sense of self. We hear so much about resilience, but true resilience comes from that deep-rooted sense of belonging. We all need to belong.
I grew up with my grandmother living with us. She was a great Cork woman — full of humour and always ready with advice when needed. I loved listening to her stories about growing up in Cork in the 1920s — the men threshing while the women prepared the food, the dances she attended, and how the flick of a coin decided whether she would go out one random Saturday or not. That night, she met my grandfather.
I loved sitting in with her. I still sit in with her, reflecting on all our time together. Magic.
While this relationship has the potential to be incredibly important and rewarding, unfortunately, if things break down, it can also become a source of great pain. In my clinical work, some of the most difficult cases involve grandparents who have been alienated from their grandchildren.
Sitting with people who are heartbroken — who only want to share their love with their grandchildren — can be incredibly difficult to witness.
Often, grandparents become collateral damage in a broken marriage or relationship. I receive so many letters and phone calls from grandparents looking for advice on how to reconnect with their grandchildren after their child has separated from their partner.
In my experience, grandparents suffer greatly when a difficult or conflicted separation occurs within the family. There may have already been tension between the grandparents and their child’s partner. So, when separation happens, that ex-partner may retaliate by withholding access to the grandchildren. The devastation this brings is immense.
In the end, no one wins. The grandchildren lose out on a precious relationship, while the grandparents’ retirement years become clouded with grief. Of course, separation is painful, but using children as weapons damages their self-esteem and creates lifelong ruptures in family bonds.
I have worked on many such cases, listening to grandparents describe the profound sadness they feel now that their grandchildren are gone. What should have been a golden time — filled with laughter and connection — has instead become a period of sorrow and loss.
The emptiness in their lives is overwhelming. Meanwhile, their children often experience immense guilt, feeling responsible for the pain their parents are enduring.
In the end, everyone suffers.
When working with grandparents in these situations, I always offer the same advice: establish a boundary to protect yourself from the manipulations of your child’s ex-partner. Their goal is to hurt you by using your grandchildren as leverage. Of course, you want to see your grandchildren, but as long as their parent is acting this way, you must protect yourself emotionally.
I also advise grandparents to write letters to their grandchildren — and to keep copies of those letters. Expressing their emotions in writing serves two important purposes:
Alienation is one of the most distressing psychological experiences a parent or grandparent can endure. Writing about it can help bring clarity and provide an outlet for overwhelming emotions.
Sadly, alienating parents often creates false narratives, painting loving grandparents as uncaring or even dangerous. By preserving these letters, grandparents can later show their grandchildren that they never gave up on them. When those children grow up and begin to understand what really happened, they will have proof of the love that was always there.
Being a grandparent is a special role — one that can bring immense joy.
However, when access to grandchildren is denied, it causes profound suffering for everyone involved. Children lose a vital source of love and support, their self-esteem takes a hit, and their sense of identity is weakened. Grandparents are left heartbroken, unable to share their love.
A bond as precious as the one between grandparents and grandchildren should be nurtured and protected — not shattered.
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