Fionnuala Jones: I made the mistake of turning to TikTok for advice before my wedding

Irish people turn into Simon Cowell when it comes to a wedding. Needless to say, social media has a lot to answer for here.

Fionnuala Jones: I’ve yet to come across a clinic advertising groom Botox — where’s the gender equality in that? 

I am getting a migraine behind my left eye which can only mean one thing: Cian has asked me about something to do with the wedding.

We are getting to squeaky bum time, and to combat my generalised disorganisation, we’ve adopted a strategy of hyper organisation. I’ve been Bridechilla up until this point, but now the abacus in my mind is in overdrive as Cian furiously allocates rooms among our family members.

Wedding costs took us both by surprise — Cian moreso, needless to say, given I had been bombarded with wedding content since I was a small girl and he did not know the difference between a photographer and a videographer. Despite this, I am not someone who knew what their Dream Wedding looked like from birth. What I did know was that it was very important to be very beautiful for it.

Fionnuala Jones: I spent weeks mulling over what our “wedding theme” was, only to realise that I had no idea what this truly meant. Picture: Gareth Chaney

To be a bride is to know sacrifice, I believed — leaving your old life of smooching strangers behind in place of your one true love (and a new surname for some). But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. What about the physical sacrifice? What kind of bride are you if you aren’t 3kg lighter than you were when the ring was placed on your finger; if you aren’t cutting out sugar, alcohol, and joy?

Now, thankfully, it seems gauche to ask anyone about their wedding diet, but it does seem to have been replaced by another question, one I have put to other brides : “What treatments are you getting ahead of the wedding?”

I’ve read every single list that exists on the internet which dictates what rigorous scheduling I should be undertaking in order to be crowned The Most Beautiful at my own wedding. Six months of this, eight weeks of that, all carefully spaced out and priced as such to guarantee maximum results — because what am I, if I’m not glowing like alien Mr Burns down the aisle?

There’s something about having a time-based goal that has sent me — and presumably many other brides-to-be — cracked. 

Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m a former beauty journalist. I have been enthusiastically poked and prodded over the years in the name of research. But there’s something about having a time-based goal that has sent me — and presumably many other brides-to-be — cracked. 

I found myself absentmindedly Googling composite bonding and teeth whitening the other day after hearing that it’s the “one” thing brides should focus on before the big day. That’s €500 easily spent because someone else told you you should; money you probably wouldn’t spend in any other circumstance.

It doesn’t help that grooms are simply not marketed to in the same way. I’ve yet to come across a clinic advertising groom Botox or groom polynucleotides — where’s the gender equality in that? 

If a marriage is a partnership, should he also not be spending time and money to look like a prize calf?

No, apparently — a shower and a suit will suffice.

I’m already in two minds about sharing my wedding photos, which seems like a sad admission about the supposed happiest day of my life. I made the mistake of turning to TikTok for advice on what to do with my eyebrows before the wedding, where I subsequently learned some people hate them. 

Of course I want to feel beautiful and confident on the day, and not for it to turn into bloodsport. That’s probably wishful thinking on my part, given that Irish people turn into Simon Cowell when it comes to every element of an Irish wedding. Needless to say, social media has a lot to answer for here.

Is it unreasonable to want one day in which I actually don’t think about my appearance, at all?

With it, there has come a new level of wedding planning. There are now jobs within the industry that didn’t exist five years ago, but are now “a must” for any big day. And what are you doing if you’re not doing multiple wedding dresses? I spent weeks mulling over what our “wedding theme” was, only to realise that I had no idea what this truly meant (Pokémon was also swiftly vetoed).

I’ve spent a lot of my life up to this point thinking about how I look. If I was to work out just how much time and present it in a fun Infographic a la Spotify Wrapped, I would probably never leave the house again. So is it unreasonable to want one day in which I actually don’t think about my appearance, at all? Let me relax and soak up the joy of my loved ones as we neck champagne and cry over the primary school iteration of myself. 

Let me leaf through my wedding album at 80 years of age and recognise my family in my own face — my dad’s nose, my mam’s eyes, perfectly, as they were.