Dear Dáithí: I've nothing in common with the other parents — except kids

Dáithí Ó Sé. Pic: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,

I’m involved with a group of parents where the only thing we have in common is our children.

I have accepted that a big part of my life is waiting outside gymnastics, dance, and drama classes.

I understand that it is important to have the support of the mums because we all do help each other out with carpools and playdates and I made a big effort to be part of the scene.

I feel like I’m just playing a part though, for the sake of my daughters. 

I feel I have nothing in common with these women and some of their conversations just want to make me scream. 

(For example, we spent over an hour at a coffee shop recently talking about a new kitchen. There’s a genocide happening in real time, that I can’t sleep over, but please tell me what tiles you’re picking out.)

I am an introvert and am a bit alternative in my clothes and hairstyle compared the other mums, and it does take it out of me to be part of the ‘mum’ stuff. 

I know I would never be friends with them — or they me — if it weren’t for our daughters.

I must say, though, most are all very nice, well-meaning people.

But... one of the mums I really don’t like. She is a force of nature to put it mildly, and she started a book club a few months ago. 

This is not my idea of a fun Friday night; I’ve made excuses not to go to the first two.

Now she is putting pressure on me to host. I feel a knot of anxiety in my stomach at the thought of having these women in my personal space. 

I want to say no, but I don’t know how. I don’t want my daughters to be left out by proxy either.

I think the first line of your letter says it all and the answer to your question is firmly rooted in it. 

You are ‘involved’ with a group of parents and that’s it, I think a lot of people reading this will be in the very same place as you. 

I usually chat to one or two while waiting in these situations and then move on, I think you just forgot the moving on part and now find yourself somehow in a position you don’t want to be in.

In one sense, there is a ‘false friendship’ in groups like this. I don’t mean false in a bad way, but more in an unnatural way.

You are brought together by circumstance and such is life. You are an introvert with an alternative style in hair and clothes who worries about what happening in the outside world and they are not like this and that is okay too.

You lose sleep over genocide and they twist and turn about the colours of tiles, but before we judge, remember we don’t really know what people in this group are really like. 

Just because they don’t talk about the serious things in public doesn’t mean they don’t worry about them. Some of them might and even lose sleep like you.

With what’s happening these days in the world, I find people will talk about anything else, even the colour of tiles, as an escape.

The only thing you really have in common with these people are your children or, to be more specific, where your children socialise. Now that too is really the only thing they have in common with you.

That is a two-way street in that we are looking at this from both sides. 

Having the support of others at a time like this is great and you’ve outlined how this is so, but don’t forget that this is good for all of you in the group, so you don’t need to think it’s anything more than that. 

You don’t owe these people anything and again from the other side they don’t owe you either. I hate this shit where you help one parent out and they say “I owe you now”.

No, they don’t, that’s how it works, we help each other agus sin sin, it’s only ‘the parents’ who complicate this arrangement.

Also, I think it’s good to remind you here that this ‘dropping off and picking up service’ will only last a few more years, so your association with these people won’t be forever.

Another question for this ‘support’ group, who is being supported? It sounds like the book club person and maybe one or two more.

Again as we mentioned some of the group are really nice but you don’t have to be best friends with them. 

Actually I really think that you’ve been in the wrong group all along and you were probably too nice a person to say anything from the start and it has led to this point.

The small things have now turned into something bigger and here we are. 

I always think that there might be one ally in the group, a person you click with and you should chat to them about it, especially about the book club bit. 

Point out how you are not interested in it or having it in your house, whatever happens we are getting you out of that one.

We have to hit this head-on. You need to chat to the book club person in private and simply say that you are not interested. 

You don’t like this person and even though she is a force of nature, so are you and that’s why you are going to say it straight to her face.

You don’t have to be nasty and tell her what you really think of her, you don’t stoop to her level, you’ll stay at your own. 

It’s simple, it is not for you and you think it is great how you all support each other but you’ve no time for it. If she pushes back, it’s still no and stand your ground.

You are in control here and not her. As soon as you have that conversation, that anxious feeling will go away and nobody is going to invade your personal space.

I know that part of that anxious feeling was connected to your daughters and how all of this would affect them. Kids will be kids and this will probably go right over their heads. 

If it does come up in conversation, explain that this is what you do when you are being pressured into something you don’t want to do, you say no and stop and stand up for yourself.

The sooner we all learn that, the better for everyone.

Sign up for our Irish Examiner Lifestyle newsletter.