Ask Audrey: 2025 is going to be a dinger, I can feel it in my Spanx

Sorting out Cork people for New Years

Ask Audrey: One of the best things about the past ten years is feeling sorry for the Brits.

20"25 is going to be a dinger, I can feel it in my Spanx.

This is the year we put a stop to those mobile saunas you see everywhere. I went down to Fountainstown yesterday to bring Antonio for a walk (it’s really handy that my dog has the same name as my latest red hot Latin Lover.) 

I could barely get a parking with all the people down there for a sauna and a swim. 

Sorry now, but Irish skin isn’t made for rapid changes in temperature. I nearly got a fit of gawks looking at all the dark purple people scampering into the sea. It’s not right. 

If saunas are to stay, then I predict mandatory Dryrobes. I’d normally have nothing good to say about the Taliban, but there is a case for Irish people covering up when they’re just out of a sauna.

Ask Audrey: "If saunas are to stay, then I predict mandatory Dryrobes." Andrew Harris

Speaking of fitness fads, 2025 will be seen as the beginning of the end for the Greenway Bubble. It was a handy way to bring a bit of tourism to bogger towns like Midleton, but the Green Party are out of government, so there will be less focus on the well-being of cyclists. 

If you think this means middle-aged Lycra Dads will spend more time with their families at the weekends, then you know nothing about middle-aged Lycra Dads. Expect an even bigger surge in Padel. (It’s tennis for idiots, in case you didn’t know.)

I can’t wait for Donald Trump to take the reins in Washington. There is nothing on Netflix any more, it’s almost getting to the point where I have to talk to My Conor every night. But at least now we’ll have something to talk about, instead of him banging on about me making eyes at the young Italian lad in Circle K.

The only fear is that Trump will stop American multi-nationals giving us money. I can remember a time when people wouldn’t admit to coming from Carrigaline. But now, people actually want to live there. The whole pharmaceutical thing has brought huge wealth to the lower harbour and surrounding areas. 

Better still, you have those huge cruise liners. The best thing about those is they completely block your view of Cobh. (No one wants to be looking at Cobh.)

It will be such a drag if the multi-nationals decide to go. (Particularly if they go to Britain. One of the best things about the past ten years is feeling sorry for the Brits.) If they do go, we might have to start companies of our own, and it’s hard to find the time for that when you’re going on three skiing holidays in March.

The good news for Cork is that Micheál Martin is in charge of the country again. If things do turn ropey for the economy, at least it will be Dublin heading back to the 1980s first. (Mind you, it would make for an improvement in some parts of Dublin. I was up there for dirty weekend before Christmas, the placeis the pits. I couldn’t wait to get home and tell My Conor.)

Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin. Picture: Niall Carson/PA Wire.

Hopefully they’ll get to finish all the skyscrapers down the by the docks before the money dries up. I love that Cork is well on its way to being Manhattan with erectile dysfunction, they have nothing like that in Galway.

I’d worry about developments in the Middle East. If petrol prices go up, a lot of Irish people might not be able to afford to fly abroad for their holidays and the last two summers here have been damper than a jockey’s crotch. 

My niece offers counselling to people with PTSD, and she’s getting a lot of patients now that are triggered by looking at Met.ie. Seriously, the weather forecast in Ireland is wrong most of the time anyway. Surely they could make it wrong in an optimistic way, rather than telling us that 31 straight days of 14 degrees and cloudy is on the cards for July.

My mother is holding out for proper global warming arriving here next summer. She said, it looked lovely and warm in Greece last year if you looked beyond the raging forest fires. I said, have you no interest in the future of the planet? She said not really, I’m 76. #Selfish

The north coast of Spain will be the hot tourist destination. By hot I mean not hot. There are flights from Cork to Bilbao now and everything, perfect if you want to avoid the skin-melter days that people have been experiencing around the Med. That’s going to attract a lot of retired teachers in sandals doing the Camino. Bring headphones in case you end up sitting next to one of them on the plane. Don’t be surprised if they offer you a Milky Mint.FF

That stretch of northern Spain is called the Costa Verde, or Green Coast. Irish people know one thing for certain – green is the nice way of saying ‘pissing rain.’ Expect no end of miserable Irish families in ponchos, parents screaming at each other as they try and figure out whose idea it was to come here instead of Lanzarote.

I’m dreading 2025 from a cultural point of view. (My Posh Cousin says I dread anything cultural because I’m from Ballinlough, that bee-atch just loves a dig!) The biggest issue for Cork is that Cillian Murphy’s reign as the best person in the world will come to an end in March, with the Oscars. It’s been great lording it over everywhere else in Ireland during his time at the top, I must have rung my auntie in Limerick at least twice a day.

Eileen Walsh and Cillian Murphy pictured at the "Small Things Like These" photocall during the 74th Berlinale International Film Festival. Picture: Andreas Rentz/Getty Images.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if Cillian won it again for his part in Small Things Like These, and they give Eileen Walsh a deserved gong for Best Actress? Amazing work by both of them, it can’t be easy for Cork people pretending to be from Wexford.

The other major cultural event is Roy Keane, Live at the Marquee in July in conversation with Roddy Doyle. I’ve seen a draft of the script. Roy tells Roddy he hasn’t written anything good since The Snapper, and he should stop resting on his laurels. Then he turns on the Marquee itself, saying it’s nothing but a glorified tent. 

Next, he tells the audience they should be outside on a lovely summer’s evening, rather than watching a retired footballer talking to someone from Dublin. Finally, he turns to Roddy Doyle and says, in fairness, he’s better than Gary Neville. Sounds like a great night.

Sky Sports pundit Roy Keane. Picture: Naomi Baker/Getty Images.

And finally sport.

Cork is so obviously going to win the 2025 All-Ireland senior hurling championship, I’m amazed that other counties are still planning to enter.

We’ll win the football as well, women’s and men’s.

Camogie? Foregone conclusion, minors and everything.

I’m not sure if there inter-county Lacrosse, but if there is, put all your money on Cork.

The only thing stopping Cork City from winning The Champions League is they’re not in it.

These aren’t my views. They’re just a sample of things I’ve heard on the bus during the last fortnight. There’s nothing like a New Year to remind you that Cork is the old Gaelic word for delusional. Still, how bad?

Happy new year!