Ask Audrey: Can we pick a 'favourite county' at the local sex party?

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice — it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond.

Well bad cess to my bitch of a sister and her successful legal career above in Dublin. 

I don’t bother to go see the pantomime in Kiskeam if it’s Cinderella because it’s too close to the bone. 

I’m the one left at home listening to my mother whinging about her tennis elbow... as if anyone ever played tennis in Ballydesmond.

Meanwhile, my ugly sister is living it up in Dublin, swanning around like she owns the place and her kids with American accents. 

And Cinderella my arse — the closest thing I get to a Handsome Prince is some Tinder gowl from Scartaglin telling me his fantasy is to watch a woman cleaning his house. Get a cleaner, you stingy gobshite!

Anyway, I was out with my Ugly Sister in Dun Laoghaire over the weekend and didn’t she offer to pick up 90% of the bill to reflect the difference in our earnings. 

Her friend at the table next door started laughing at me, the horsey face up on her. 

I’m never been so mortified, except for the time I ended up on a ‘Wanted’ poster in Knocknagree. (It was my boyfriend put it up, I won’t tell you what he ‘wanted’.)

Anyway, is it right that my sister should pick up a larger share of the bill, tell me?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang the Posh Cousin there and told her your story.

She said: “I hear that a lot.”

I said: “Sibling rivalry?”

She said: “No, that women in south County Dublin have horsey faces.”

C’mere, what’s the story about complaining about your health to the old doll?

I’m not as young as I used to be and I’m starting to get pains and aches in places I didn’t even know I have places. 

The biggest problem is my knee. I kept playing five-a-side with an injured knee because even at the age of 37 I thought could have put in a shift for Liverpool, and I probably could have too in given some of the teams of langers before Jurgen Klopp came and made everything alright.
Anyway, I’m paying for it now. The old doll insists that we go for a walk on the prom in Youghal once a month so we lay out all the things that are bothering us and then draw a line under them with a ice cream and a bag of chips.

I’d recommend it to anyone except for one thing.

My knee starts to hurt about half way down the prom because she do like the power-walking and I’m not allowed to complain about it because the old doll doesn’t like to talk about illness (unless it’s her own).

How can I let her know about my sore knee without actually telling her?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I give my Conor five minutes a week to talk about his ailments.

It’s on the night I do Pilates, so he usually ends up ringing his mother. Sooner her than me.

Million euro house. Check.

Kids in Pres and Scoil Mhuire. Check

Volvo XC90. Check.

To look at my husband and me from the outside, you would see us as pillars of society on the Model Farm Road. 

But the truth is we’re terrible perverts, the two of us. I’ve banned the missionary position from our bedroom. 

Not that I need to, my Ken would never even suggest such a vanilla position — that’s for people in all those horrible new estates out in Ballincollig.

We’ve always said we’d love to go to a sex party, but we have to very careful because Ken and myself are the top of our respective professions in Cork and it could be awkward if we bumped into a client.

After making a few enquiries, we’ve been put in touch with a woman in a Cork town I won’t name, who is hosting one of these parties. 

Her unique selling point is that she only allows one couple from each county, so there is very little chance of meeting someone you know.

That’s grand, but I’m not sure I like the notion of watching my Ken having it off with someone from Carlow. We’re better than that, do you know what I mean?

Do you think I should specify the county we would like to ‘shag’ and if so, which county would you recommend?

— Bronagh (not my real name, and my husband isn’t Ken), Model Farm Road

I rang my cousin about this, she did her Masters on Kinky Sex in Ancient Rome.

I said: “Was there an exam?

She said: “No, it was all practical work.”

My daughter arrived in from school yesterday and told us she wants to dress up as a northsider for Halloween.

I said: “Why?” She said: “It will scare the f**k out of all the neighbours.” 

I gave out to her for cursing — she’s only eight — but I’m wondering where she got the notion that Norries are scary.

It could be my mother, she says the most awful things, even if they’re true.

Do you think I should tell her to stop saying bad things about Norries?

— Orla, Douglas

I hear you. I told my mother to stop saying terrible things about northsiders. 

That was four years ago. She hasn’t spoken since. #SingleIssueMother