Happily child-free: Why having children isn't for everyone

Though not a choice everyone gets to make, there is a growing number of people in Ireland opting not to have children.

Sarah Fox and her dog Samson

The US Republican nominee for vice-president, JD Vance, made headlines recently for describing senior Democrat politicians, including Kamala Harris, as “childless cat ladies” who don’t have a “direct stake” in their country. Although meant as an insult, the moniker has been embraced by many women who are happily child-free. In response to the comments, the internet was flooded with examples of successful and inspirational women without children, such as Dolly Parton and Helen Mirren.

In the 2022 Census, the number of families in Ireland without children increased to 394,052, up 11% since 2016. The same year, the birth rate dropped to its lowest point in 60 years. Of course, it’s not a choice that everyone gets to make, but an increasing number of people in Ireland are opting not to have children. For women, this can be met with unsolicited comments, questions or criticism. However, thanks to more openness around the topic, there’s a growing awareness and acceptance that having children isn’t for everyone.

Caroline Magennis is the author of Harpy: A Manifesto for Childfree Women.

Originally from Belfast, she now lives in Manchester, where she is an associate professor of English. People often assume that women make an active choice not to have children, but that’s not how it happened for Caroline. “I would more describe it as something I consistently didn’t do, something I consistently didn’t prioritise,” she explains. “I just kept not having children.”

She never experienced a desire to have children or saw it as part of her life. “People who want to have children really factor it into their lives,” she says. “We’ve all seen people going through IVF, people going through challenges in relationships, and you do that because that’s what you want for your life. But I just never wanted it.” 

Caroline Magennis, author of Harpy: A Manifesto for Childfree Women

Although Caroline hasn’t dealt with prejudice directly, many of the women she met while writing her book have faced discrimination. “I had a woman who was cut out of the family will because her and her husband didn’t have children. I had [a woman] who someone wouldn’t sell a house to her and her husband,” says Caroline. “I know people who live in the southern states of America, who can’t access reproductive healthcare.”

Caroline says women’s choices are continuously questioned in society, whether it’s their parenting style, or choice of clothing, and this is just another example. “It’s not that child-free women should be this protected group,” says Caroline. “It’s that women are constantly told they don’t know their own mind.”

In the past, people have told Caroline she will change her mind about not wanting kids. “That’s an incredibly infantilising thing to say to someone,” she says. “It’s saying that ‘I think I know what is better for you and your life in the future’.”

Harpy, a book by Caroline Magennis

Amy Shanahan is the owner of Amy Michelle Hairdressing in Cork city. She and her husband Brian are happily child-free. Like Caroline, Amy can’t pinpoint a moment when they decided not to have children. “It was more a natural progression for us,” she says.

Amy never imagined herself as a mother. “I love children, I love all my friends’ kids and my nieces. But I just never envisioned it for myself.” Even as a young girl, it wasn’t something she showed interest in. “I was never the little girl that had the baby doll. I was always doing my Barbies’ hair and dressing them up,” says Amy.

Working in a public-facing role, Amy does get questions about not having children. “I always get asked why. I’m very open about it, but I think it’s a very personal question,” she says. “If someone tells me they’re pregnant, I don’t ask them why.”

A self-confessed “workaholic”, Amy’s passion is running her salon. “I live and breathe my business,” she says. Outside work, Amy prioritises time with family and friends. “I get to see a lot of my family, and I can give a lot of time to my nieces, because I don’t have my own kids.”

Amy believes we need a mix of people with and without children in society. “Obviously people have to procreate. It is part of life, and we do need a future,” she says. “But if everybody was having children, we’d be completely overpopulated.”

She points out that people who are not parents still play a vital role in children’s lives. “We’re here in society, helping others raise their kids,” says Amy.

One thing Amy appreciates about her life is the freedom she has. She and Brian love to travel, and take multiple trips around Ireland and abroad each year. “The best part of being child-free is probably just being able to do things at the drop of a hat,” she says. “We can book holidays for just the two of us, we’re not paying for more. We can book a random holiday last minute without having to worry about childcare.”

Amy is not alone in this. Caroline Magennis interviewed 55 women for her book, and the thing most of them valued was freedom. For some women, this meant big things like travelling or changing careers. Others appreciated simple, everyday freedoms like quiet Sunday mornings with a coffee and a book.

Amy Shanahan, owner of Amy Michelle Hairdressing in Cork city.

Sarah Fox is a yoga teacher trainer, herbalist and pagan priestess. She lives in South Kilkenny with her husband John and their two chihuahuas. “I was never drawn to being a mother,” says Sarah. “My husband and I were very aligned on our future plans, and he took the initiative in contraception by getting a vasectomy.” Sarah doesn’t believe the choices available to women are dictated by whether they have children or not. “I’ve made a decision to dedicate my 40s to creative endeavours, like learning how to sing in the old Irish Sean Nós style. I’m playing the early Irish harp. I’ve taken up the tin whistle,” she says. “But who’s to say that if I had children, that I wouldn’t do that anyway?”

People occasionally comment on Sarah’s choice not to have children. She’s been told that she would be a good mother, which she doesn’t believe is a reason to have children. “Just because I’m a kind or loving person, it doesn’t mean that that energy has to go in a specific way,” says Sarah.

One viewpoint Sarah finds “both irritating and hilarious” is that she will have no one to look after her in her old age. “I think that is quite an entitled perspective,” says Sarah. “Even if you have children, they’re not your slaves, and they’re not under any obligation or entitlement to care for you.”

Sarah believes there is an idea that child-free women “must think that it’s a burden to be a mother, and if you’re a mother, that you must think that you’ll be a lonely, miserable, crazy cat lady if you’re child free.” She sees this as a false comparison between women who have children and those who don’t.

Sarah encourages women without children to use their time to contribute to society. “Consider being of service to your community or the environment, making a positive impact in ways that are meaningful to you,” she says. While this is one approach, Caroline Magennis says there shouldn’t be pressure on women to be “exceptional” and fill their free time with “amazing things” if they don’t have children.

For women who do want to make connections and find community, Caroline recommends seeking out groups and opportunities for solidarity. “I found that once I started talking about it more openly, I felt a lot more hopeful about my own future,” she says. “Because I heard from women who were older, who just had really wonderful lives.”