Ask Audrey: It kicked off when I stopped to stroke his whippet

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice — it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: looking after Cork people for ages

Hello it’s Rosealeen here from Ballydesmond. Bad cess to mindful sex, I nearly missed the train. 

You see I’m after starting a very unusual relationship with a hippy inside in Cork. It kicked off when I stopped to stroke his whippet on Oliver Plunkett Street, and you can keep your dirty remarks to yourself, the whippet is a dog, his name is Dan Boyle. 

Anyway, his owner is a Clean Hippy, the kind who washes with handmade organic soap four times a day, the hippy look is just a way to attract middle-aged sex maniacs looking for something different. Sure that’s my bio on Tinder. 

So I struck up a conversation with Kai, that’s his name, and 20 minutes later we’re back in his place sharing a bath. Don’t get me wrong, I like a lover with a slow hand, but I had to catch the 5.20 train home, Berna said she’d pick me up in Rathmore. 

He said it’s Tantric Mindful Sex, I said it’s three hours until the next train and Berna won’t hang around, he said maybe she’d like to join us next time. 

So myself and Berna are going to drive up to Cork tomorrow, it will be our fourth threesome. Do you know how I can get Kai to hurry on? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

Sorry, there’s one image I can’t get out of mind. Is Dan Boyle looking on while ye’re doing the business? 

(The dog now, not the Lord Mayor.)

Ach, what about ye. My name is Dowcha Donie, and last week I was from Blackpool in Cork so I was, and proud of it too ya girl ya. 

But then last Sunday the lads went and won the football All Ireland, one week after the Cork hurlers lost to that shower of savages from Clare, and them drinking milk out of their bodhrans. 

Next up, yer man Daniel Wiffen gets gold at the Olympics and I’m thinking to meself, hang on there Dowcha Donie, you’re from the wrong county so you are. 

The only news about Cork this week is that a Cork actor got picked to play Roy Keane in a film, because it would have been unfair to ask anyone else to learn the accent. 

I’m not the sort of buck to turn on his old home, but the last person to win anything from Cork was Cillian Murphy and he doesn’t even have the common decency to live there. (So what if your Cork boys win a few rowing medals, that’s just for posh nobs afraid to play rugby!) 

I hereby announce that myself and my ‘old doll’ as she was previously known are moving to Armagh. So what are the house prices like, ya girl ya? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, but not for long more.

I had a look there, you’ll get a fine house from the sale of your own place, even though it’s only in Blackpool.

It’s getting angry on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Wake Up Screaming ‘Shag Off Tree-Huggers’ in the middle of the night. 

You’re nothing on the Douglas Road if you’re not spotted jetting out of Cork Airport at least three times between May and August. 

(Top Tip: Wait until you are in the queue for a Lufthansa flight and shout hello to someone you know in a Ryanair queue. This highlights your position while grinding them into the dust.) 

The problem for the Stunners is that our children are all around 12 now (we’ve kept our looks, no fear there) and the little tykes are watching all these do-gooder videos on YouTube telling them that the older generation is going to leave them with a burning planet – that translates into “Do you really need to fly out to Biarritz for the afternoon Mom”. 

It would be one thing if they said it to us in our 27 grand kitchens, but the little baaa-stards are delivering the message on TikTok and Cliona Mac’s daughter has a quarter of a million followers. 

Long story short, didn’t a Just Stop Oil protest leave the air out of Fifi’s Volvo XC 90 yesterday and she missed her flight to Amsterdam. 

Is there any way we could get an exclusive ferry from Cork, so we don’t have to travel with primary school teachers from Watergrasshill? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, how do you go on holidays? She said, how do you mean holidays? Hasn’t worked a day in her life.

Hey, so I go to the hair salon for chill out time but the stylist is really old-school, she’s all talking about her holidays in Lanzarote and asking me if I get freebies in sick resorts because I’m an influencer with, like, 200k followers. (I don’t tell her that they’re much nicer than Lanzers.) 

I want to say to her, listen babes, any chance we could have quiet time during the styling, I’m one busy bee-atch, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings, that could damage my brand. 

Is there any good way to tell a hair-stylist to shut up? 

— Croxmeena, Glanmire

How do you cope. You honestly think that your biggest problem is a chatty hair-dresser who likes Lanzarote, when your name is Croxmeena and if that isn’t bad enough, you only come from Glanmire!