Ask Audrey: I didn’t get the name 'King Stud' by missing a signal from an old doll

Cork's treasured agony aunt is back — what's your problem?

Ask Audrey: looking after Cork people for ages

C’mere, is Padel just for gomies? 

The Sports and Social club are planning the summer party inside in work. God be with the days when you could have one burger, 10 pints, and a misunderstanding with a mature old doll from accounts. You can’t have misunderstandings these days so they’re having a, wait for it Audrey, alcohol-free summer barbecue, which promises to be about as enjoyable as licking the sweat off a Kerry woman. 

Anyway, white smoke from the swots in the Sports and Social says we’re going playing Padel Tennis. Off with Dowcha Donie to Google where I learn it’s like tennis for people who can’t play tennis. 

The court is surrounded by a glass wall like squash, so it’s hard to put the ball out and you often play doubles because it’s popular with people who are unfit. 

Here’s the thing — there’s this French one in product development giving me the eye in the canteen, not a word spoken yet between the two of us, but I didn’t get the name King Stud in Blackpool by missing a signal from an old doll. 

I’m thinking of asking her if she’d like to partner me for the old Padel, but we can’t be seen in any photographs together because my wife do be fierce jealous. Do you think she’ll get my drift?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My sister lives in Paris, we call her Voulez Vous. 

I said: “Do French women like sleeping with married men?” 

She said: “They’ve no problem with it as long as he isn’t their husband.” 

And I thought I was the only one.

It’s getting exciting on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Take Their Kids Out of School A Week Early Because Then Everyone Would Know That We Are Trying to Save Money On Our Holidays. 

As you can imagine, we all know where the other Stunners are going on holidays and we’ve priced it down to the last euro to see if they are spending more than ourselves. 

I’m a bit anxious because my Ken and I just started a business selling Artisan Kimchi Unicorns (ArKiUni) at farmers’ markets. 

Demand is lower than we expected, so there’s no Seychelles for us this year, which is a bit of a balls for my Insta feed. 

Instead we’re going to a campsite in France. Stall the beans now before you imagine freckly Tipperary kids in Cúl Camp tops, this is five-star all the way, the chef in the pool bar has a Michelin star. 

But there is still a huge problem, the afore-mentioned Instagram. We have a firm rule in the Stunners — you must share three photos or videos a day of you and your family being better than people from Ballinlough. 

The other Stunners pore over these photos so you don’t want to put a foot wrong. 

I’m after telling everyone that we’re going to an island retreat for the super-rich in the Indian Ocean — how can I hide the fact I’m only in France?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

A shot with the Mediterranean in the background will do the trick, any bit of water looks the same after a few glasses of sparkling rosé. 

There’s usually a queue for the best spots though, full of Douglas Road gobshites trying to pretend they’re part of the 1%.

My boyfriend loves his fashion and it’s not unusual to find ourselves on a back street in Bologna, speaking Italian to a 93-year-old tailor who can turn my fella into George Clooney. 

Don’t get me wrong, I really like this about my Rory; wouldn’t it be worse if he walked around in a tracksuit with his knuckles scraping the ground. 

But when his fashion obsession goes wrong, it goes badly wrong. The less said about his double denim and crocs phase, the better. 

And now, short shorts. He didn’t dabble when Paul Mescal wore them in Normal People, because Rory is from a rugby family and they think anything to do with the GAA is a bit Ballincollig. 

But then the images out of the Milan summer shows show it’s short-shorts city and now Rory is prattling around town looking like a tool. And I’m the tool’s girlfriend. 

How can I tell him to cop on without hurting his feelings?

— Alice, Sunday’s Well

Say what you like. 

I know they like to come across as cuddly and sensitive these days, but I’ve never met a rugby player with actual feelings.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Bad cess Cillian Murphy and his busy schedule, we’re at a loss now looking for an A-lister to open the Ballydesmond Film Festival. 

Berna and myself launched it yesterday because if there’s a better way to get up close and personal with a gorgeous movie star, well I haven’t heard it? 

I thought every second gowl in Ireland had made a movie in the past year with all the grants but we’re having fierce problems getting people to enter. 

In fact all we have so far is a soft porn movie made by Berna’s brother called Up The Duhallow. 

Do you know anyone with a movie?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I know lots of people who made a movie, but they’re too posh for north Cork. Have you considered moving Ballydesmond down around Crookhaven?