Ask Audrey: Should we head for Youghal for the shift this weekend?

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice — it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Myself and my husband are the talk of Cork Golf Club. We upgraded recently from Douglas GC and I’d recommend it to anyone who can afford it, which I know isn’t everyone. 

It’s not like we’re on probation in our new club, but we’d like make a good impression. We shouldn’t have any trouble.

 A lot of people stop outside our imposing villa on (the right side of) the Rochestown Road, just to stare in. The problem now is they are staring at an election poster for Sinn Féin. 

Our son Roderick, lovely guy all his life, Pres, rowing club, girlfriend plays hockey for Ireland, what else would you want for your child? 

Well didn’t he fall in with a bunch of Provo radicals from Passage West and now he’s going door-to-door for the Shinners canvassing for votes in the upcoming elections. 

And now he has a Vote Sinn Féin poster in his bedroom window, as if we were super-fans of the Wolfe Tones. 

People have started talking Irish to me in the locker room in Cork GC, which is cute, but vicious too, do you know that kind of way? 

Do you think Roderick will join the IRA if we kick him out of the house?

— Mary-Anne, Rochestown Road and Cork GC

I rang Sinn Féin there and said, what do you say to posh kids who join your party to piss off their parents? 

Your one replies, we say céad míle fáilte, without youse we wouldn’t have any members.

C’mere, what’s the story with shorts? 

I’m regarded as a fashion influencer on the northside, and was wearing GAA shorts on nights out long before that whiney langball Paul Mescal started doing it on Normal People. 

I’d normally go to London or Milan this weekend and buy a few pairs of whatever is in for shorts this summer. It’s always the same when I wear them out in Cork. 

First they mock me Audrey, and then they copy me. It goes from ‘Donie is a Gomie’ to ‘Be Like Donie.’ 

But this year I genuinely can’t figure out what shorts are in or out. 

I was in Milan yesterday, I won’t sleep for a week after all the expresso, but their shorts were all over the place. The dominant trend is camogie, Audrey. 

It’s like they saw Paul Mescal and said, let’s take this to its logical conclusion. So there are lads walking around Milan in camogie skorts, you know the kind of skirt-shorts they wear. 

That’s all very well in Milan, but I’d be putting my hard-earned reputation for being a fashion-fiend on the line if I sauntered down PaNa in a pair of skorts. 

I can’t just do nothing – a city holds its breath waiting to see what they should be wearing this summer. 

It’s not cargo shorts, they make you like you support Fine Gael. And GAA shorts are a bit Tipperary, you’d probably match them with a pair of pointy brown shoes. 

Do you think I should go big and lash on a pair of skorts?

— Dowcha Donie, Fashion Influencer, Blackpool

I rang my sister there and said, would you sleep with a man in a pair of skorts? 

She said definitely. I said why? She said, I’m 38 Audrey I can’t afford to be picky.

It’s getting smoky on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Always Have Their BBQ On the Right Day. 

The weather forecast is showing a bit of yellow at last Audrey, so as you can imagine, we’re up to 90 on the Douglas Road trying to host THE barbecue of the Bank Holiday Weekend. 

The big issue this year is whether you should host it on the Saturday or Sunday. (The Monday is untouchable – drinking on a Bank Holiday Monday is for people who work with their hands.) 

Mona Mac is seen as the authority on these things and she says that it’s got to be Saturday bee-atches, that gives a few days to recover with an option to go on the lash with a few bottles of Whispering Angel on Sunday evening if you feel like going again. 

Kiwi O’Donnell caused a mini-storm though, saying her sister lives near Windsor and all the best people around London go for the Sunday BBQ, it’s considered elegant. Which day is better?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what’s the best day for a BBQ on the Douglas Road? 

She said, Neverday - the seventh circle of hell is eating a raw burger on a smallish lawn while someone talks about how wild-swimming saved her marriage.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I read an article in the Examiner there during the week saying that Youghal is the bees knees of a place to visit. 

I always thought it was just Carlow with a beach. Myself and Berna are looking for a nice seaside town to cool our toes this weekend, maybe do a bit of shifting if things go to plan. 

So should we forget about Kinsale and head for Youghal?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I’d forgotten ye can read in Ballydesmond. Youghal would have been a great place to visit this weekend – but thanks to that article it will probably be full of people from North Cork, bringing their kids to the seaside for a wash. But you probably wouldn’t mind that.