Ask Audrey: What’s the story with charging people to walk on the footpath in Cork city?

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice — it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

I’d die for a law stating that every married couple should own at least two TVs. 

I love my husband very much, but I’d love him even more if he didn’t ruin my bit of Bridgerton every week , huffing and puffing about the historical inaccuracy, apparently he heard it on a podcast. (There should be a law against telling your wife about something you heard on a podcast, I couldn’t give two shites about the fecking Normans.)

I’ve offered to buy him a TV and install it in the spare room (he’s very un-handy around the house, I’ll get my brother to set it up.) 

But no, he’s a very stubborn man and he says watching TV together in the evenings is a great form of connection. 

The biggest problem is the only bit of Bridgerton he likes is the blast of soft-porn they put in every episode and this makes him frisky all the way to bedtime and to be honest he’s after piling on the pounds because all he does is sit around listening to podcasts.

I’d like to go ahead and get him the second telly as a surprise for his birthday, but he might get the hump and not talk to me for a few months. What do you think I should do?

- Maureen, Dripsey.

Are you really still in love with your boring, grumpy, over-weight husband? I’d recommend a divorce.

C’mere, what’s the story with charging people to walk on the footpath in Cork city? 

Myself and Budgie are always on the lookout for a new business idea — we once developed an app that cured people of their Tipperary accent that almost got on Dragons’ Den, but the producers thought we were taking the piss. 

Anyway, Budgie read an article there about the state of the footpaths in Cork, loads of complaints about them apparently, and that set the sparks off in his head.

Thinking caps on, we came up with this route around the worst footpaths in Cork. So it will be a walking tour, but without some gomie of a local historian telling you ‘this is where Michael Collins had a slash before heading off to his death’. 

Our route is more like an obstacle course, where you compete against other people to see how quickly you can get around the worst footpaths in the city. 

We'll charge you €10 to take part, but with any luck you’ll fall and be able to sue someone for €10,000, Budgie ‘s Mam knows a solicitor who’s the berries at getting those claims sorted.

It’s genius if you don’t mind me saying so. The only thing missing is a name for our company — what do you think we should call it?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My cousin did a creative writing course, but it didn’t work because she didn’t meet her life partner there. 

I asked her what she’d call a business that charges people to walk around on dangerous footpaths. She said: "The Government."

Guten Tag. This is my first year in Ireland and I have to admit your weather is hilarious . Yesterday in Ballincollig, it was 22°C and not a puff of wind in my front garden. 

Meanwhile out the back, there was thunder and lightning and Gunther my cat nearly got swept away in the flash floods. 

How do you people live like this, when it is impossible to know if you are at the start of a heatwave or just a few hours surrounded by 20 days of 1 3°C  and sideways rain ?

When my mother rings from Berlin now, the first thing she asks if I have seen another new kind of fog? (I always have.) 

My problem is that everybody wants to talk about the weather, all the time. I was on a date the other night and I didn’t get a chance to discuss my skiing medals because my date kept talking about something called drizzle. This is very boring to me.

And people are so pessimistic as well. Whenever we get a run of nice few days, everyone wants to tell me when ‘it will break’. This is a head-wrecker. How can I get Irish people to stop talking about the weather?

- Jürgen, Berlin and Ballincollig.

I can’t believe you never heard of drizzle! I thought the Germans had a word for everything.

How can I tell my daughter to raise her own kids? Myself and my husband Liam retired last year and my daughter looks at us now and sees free child-care. 

Apparently she’s saving for a house in Watergrasshill. I mean, I’d say something if it was Glanmire, but Watergrasshill?!! I don’t want hand, act or part in that mind of madness. 

Let her rent away and she’ll get a grand bit of money for our place in Glounthaune when Liam and myself go to our eternal reward. 

She’s not listening to me, quelle surprise, she insists we put pressure on her to go again and have a third child, because we love her children.

I like grand-kids the way I like my sex life...  once a week for an hour and then forget about it. Should I tell me daughter to back off?

- Elle, Glounthaune.

Do. And tell Liam to start doing a few press-ups. Once a week nookie is for people half his age.