Richard Hogan: Don't raise risk-averse kids — failing is good for us all

We should push to have the courage to go for things, and teach our children that not getting something isn’t failure but a part of a healthy life journey

Richard Hogan. Photograph Moya Nolan

Summer is coming. You can feel it. The rough winds that usually shake the darling buds of May quietened last weekend and we got a glimpse of what’s to come. We supposedly even got a glimpse of the aurora borealis. 

Although I have to admit, I went out at night and looked. Nothing. Astronomical delights have always seemed to escape my eyes. 

I’m a big fan of all things celestial. I’d hear about solar eclipses, as a kid in Cork. I’d stay up. Nothing. I would have settled for a glimpse of the sun in those days. I’d watch them on the news, but sadly never in person. 

The thick cumulous clouds of Cork, doing their job. But I digress, summer is coming. 

That is the great thing about this planet, clouds or no clouds. The moment you get comfortable in the sun, a leaf falls. 

Change is something we cannot stop. It is in everything. And that’s good. If you don’t like how things are, wait a while. This too shall pass. 

Our thoughts, too, can change. We often believe because we think something, it must be true. We come to the impecunious logic that because we think a certain way; that’s who I am or at the very least, that’s how I think. 

But our thoughts are only habits, they are not facts. We can change our thinking if we want to. 

Many of the people I work with come to therapy because they are stuck. They have been thinking a certain way, for many years and now feel like they have reached a dead-end with the way they view things. 

For example, they might say to me; "I want to go for this job promotion but I don’t want to not get it – I don’t know what to do, I’m all over the place.’" 

I might ask a follow-up question, "Is your fear of rejection, stronger than your desire for the promotion?" They would often answer, "yes". And so they never go for anything. They live with this logic, to go for something opens them up to pain and rejection.

Of course, the reality is their logic is ensuring that they live with pain and rejection constantly because they are rejecting themselves all the time. 

This type of thinking causes all sorts of distress, and can bring someone down a very dark avenue as they question later in life. 

Why did I never push myself? Why didn’t I have courage to really see what I was capable of? These types of questions are often the roots of self-loathing and midlife disquiet.

We have to ensure that our children are not too risk-averse in their thinking. We should push them to have the courage to go for things, and teach them that not getting something isn’t failure but a part of a healthy life journey. 

They are learning moments, not to be feared. Reframing failure to a learning moment, is such a crucial thing when speaking with your child about reaching out into life and having the strength to pursue whatever it is they really want to do. 

I meet so many young adults, who are in a college course they have no interest in. They come to me because they want to change it, but are worried they might be making a huge mistake, or incur the wrath of parents for wasting so much time and money on the course already. 

They ask me what should they do, I ask them a few questions. "What was it you really wanted to do?" 

Generally their answer is something completely different from what they are actually studying. Another question follows, "So why did you go into the course you are currently doing?" 

I hear the same thing: "Because I didn’t think I would be able to get the course I wanted so I went for something easier". 

When I ask, does it feel easier to be doing something you don’t really like, they shake their heads. They feel stuck pursuing something they really don’t want to do. 

If they keep marching towards a destination they have zero interest in, the outcome can be profoundly deleterious for their wellbeing. 

But by changing their thinking, and helping them to see that they can move towards what they want, through a different avenue, they begin to move on a trajectory that has the potential for life satisfaction. We all need that from time to time. 

We get caught living what we believe others want for us. It can be the seeds of burnout and resentment. We resent those we believe we attempted to please, while also resenting ourselves for not having the courage to truly follow what we want.

So, the question you may have reading this is, how can I change my thoughts from negative to positive? 

The first thing to know is, the brain is designed to problem solve, so it is more oriented to look for the negative than the positive. So, there is nothing wrong with you for being negative. 

But in my experience, people with a negative orientation have a paradigm running underneath. They believe that if they have positive thoughts they can get whacked by life. 

Having negative thoughts is in some way a shield to protect them from when life hits them. Because if you believe nothing good will happen, and when something bad happens, you were prepared. You didn’t get a profound fall. 

You must, first of all, start to change this perspective. Look around for all the good in your life. The bounty you have. Start to expect good things to happen. 

Reaching for something and not getting it isn’t failure. It’s thriving. You go again. 

In that spirit, I will be standing out looking up the next time Met Éireann warn of some celestial goings on.