Ask Audrey: I’m terrified my son is going to throw away his education and become an actor

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice - it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: sorting Cork people out for ages

My husband started making sourdough during lockdown, he said it helped him with his mental health. 

He got the recipe off my bitch of a sister in Clonmel — that was what he used to call her before they started WhatsApping baking tips to each other. 

These days he calls her his Bread Buddy but I suspect there is more than that to it, so I took a look at his WhatsApp yesterday and it’s hard to tell if they are sexting or not. 

He said: "I’m going to send you a photo of my starter. (That’s the yeast for a sourdough Audrey, keep up.)

She said: "Oh great, I love looking at your starter, I’d say you have no problem getting it to rise."

He said: "I’d love to taste your loaf one of these days, what are you wearing?"

She said: "Wouldn’t you like to know, Mr Filthy Mind. I can’t stay long now Martin will be back with the greyhounds." (Clonmel people Audrey, they’re SO common.)

So do you think they are having an affair or am I just paranoid and looking for something that isn’t there?

- Aoife, Mitchelstown

I’ve examined all the evidence Aoife, and you’re looking for something that isn’t there. Your marriage.

I’m up in the maternity hospital after giving birth to our little daughter, it’s only a semi-private room because there was a mix-up with the health insurance. 

My family is refusing to visit because the other person in the room is from the northside, and my mother is very high up in Sunday’s Well Tennis Club.

I’ve no problem with my Norrie roommate, I’m as liberal as the next person and voted yes to everything in all the recent referenda. But it’s my daughter I’m worried about. 

She’s at a very formative stage in her life and I’m petrified that she’ll get a Norrie accent and they won’t accept her in Scoil Mhuire. 

I’ve tried playing Rachel Allen videos to inject some poshness into the room, but there is no way of telling if that is working, because my daughter is three days old and the accent hasn’t quite developed.

That said, my roommate’s ‘Mam’ and ‘Nan’ called in yesterday and my Sorcha has a new cry now, it sounds like ‘Hi ya gurrrrrrl’ to me. I’m terrified that her first words will be ‘battered sausage'.

I’ve toyed with the notion of asking your one to say nothing until I leave, but I’m afraid that she’ll rear up at me, you know the way they can get. What do you think I should do?

- Clodagh, Model Farm Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said: "What would do if you found yourself in a room with a northsider?"

She said: "I’d ask her to make me a cup of tea."

C’mere, what’s the story with Roy Keane dressing like he’s in a golf club? 

I was watching him on the telly after the Man United Liverpool match last weekend and he had on a shirt under this top with a zipper, it’s like something my old fella would wear and he’s about as stylish as a fashion show in White’s Cross.

Seriously, someone needs to have a word with Roy, he’s the face of Cork worldwide, particularly now that Cillian Murphy has gone back into his shell after winning all the awards.

He needs to up his fashion game and I know just the man to help him. Me.

I’m just back from Bergamo — myself and Budgie went out to get new designer runners so we could blow away the gomies who only shop in Sports Direct. I got this amazing tailored shirt, the old doll is all over me like a Blarney woman at a wedding.

I want to help Roy tell the world that Cork is the berries when it comes to clothes. Do you have his number there and I’ll give him a call?

Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang Roy there and said: “Would you take fashion advice from Dowcha Donie?”

He said: “All credit to Dowcha Donie, but there is no way I’d take advice from a Norrie.”

I said: “You’re from Mayfield!”

He said: “Who are you calling a Norrie?”

I said: “No one Roy, no one.”

I’m terrified that my son is going to throw away his fee-paying education (Christians) and become an actor. 

It’s all very well for Cillian Murphy to win an Oscar, but did he spare a single thought in those gorgeous sunken cheekbones for the upper-middle-class people here in Ballinlough who lie awake at night worrying that their sons and daughters won’t do Medicine.

My Cian told me yesterday that he’s not going to bother studying for the Leaving because he’s making a short movie with his friend from Ashton — it doesn’t even have a sex scene, sure no one is going to watch that! 

We all know where this is going... he’ll end up waiting tables. We might as well have just sent him to Coláiste Chríost Rí!

Do you know how I can persuade him to stop this madness?

- Brendan, Ballinlough

My niece is an actress — you’d be worn out with all the air-kissing.

I said: "What would be your advice to someone considering acting?"

She said: "Make sure you marry well dahling."