'You can only do your best': Meet the mams who inspired PJ Kirby and Kevin Twomey's I'm Grand Mam podcast

Each time they record their chart-topping podcast, there is something gnawing away at the back of PJ Kirby and Kevin Twomey’s minds — ‘what would mam think?’ Ahead of Mother’s Day, Nuala and Phil get their chance to tell us. By Kate Demolder

Sun, 10 Mar, 2024 - 07:06

Kate Demolder

The second Sunday of March is among the busiest days of the year for phone calls and lunch plans in Ireland. A gargantuan amount of flowers are bought — flower sales are 7% higher for Mother’s Day than Valentine’s Day — and total spending on Mother’s Day gifts only seems to go up, year on year.

This year, that spending is expected to reach a record high: up from $35bn annually in 2023. These public showcases of affection are always welcomed and beautiful, but it is the quiet vignettes, and consistent tethering of one another’s lives that all mothers I know quietly revel in.

For Cork’s PJ Kirby and Kevin Twomey, hosts of the podcast I’m Grand Mam, that relationship is more tethered, still. Their podcast — named for the reassuring texts they would send their mothers when they first moved to London — sees them share the stories of their daily life as two young Irish expats who also happen to be gay, all while knowing their mams are listening in and wondering.. ‘what would mam think?’

PJ Kirby with his mam Nuala Kirby, and Kevin Twomey with his mam Phil Twomey. Picture: Miki Barlok

Over the past five years, the pair have brought listeners along for the ride as they navigated relationships and break-ups, the tragic loss of Kevin’s father, PJ’s return home to Ireland and subsequent engagement to fiancé José, and most recently, the arrival of Kevin’s niece. Throughout it all, two key figures, Nuala Kirby and Phil Twomey, have been there, as familiar to the listeners as PJ and Kevin themselves.

Kirby and Twomey and their mothers, Nuala and Phil, have always been close. Speaking to them over zoom, it’s remarkable to see how similarly each pair holds themselves, and how easily the laughs come throughout. Growing up in Cork, the two pairs have spent their lives connecting and re-connecting, even when the other feels far away; PJ and Kevin both left home to move to London, separately, in the two thousand and tens. Mother’s Days, however, have always been celebrated.

“My favourite is when everyone comes to the house,” Nuala shares. “A lot of them are away now, but they always treat me so well on Mother’s Day.”

“That’s the best,” Phil echoes. “When everyone comes home and either we go out for lunch or we all make something here. We’d always have gone to Nana’s too, and the kids would’ve made cards or brought flowers. (Top tip from former florist Nuala Kirby: thin bleach kills bacteria and helps your flowers last longer. “The cheapest of the cheap bleach will do it.”) But I can’t pick out a favourite — they’ve all been so good. Even when Kevin was abroad, I would always have gotten lovely cards sent over the week before.”

“You can’t trust the British postal service,” Kevin says. “So I had to send them way early.” His mother laughs, adding: “They’ve all looked after me so well.”

Kevin and Phil Twomey. Picture: Miki Barlok

At its core, Mother’s Day is about gratitude. And about recognising the impact the maternal figure in our lives has hand on us.

“I was actually only thinking this morning how much I’ve turned into Nuala,” PJ laughs. “This morning she kept on saying sorry, and I was like why are you apologising for being alive? Only last week José [PJ’s fiancé] said the same to me.”

“Myself and my mum have always been very close,” Kevin interjects. “And I do like to lean into that, because Irish mammies are so funny. From Phil I absolutely inherited being a grammar freak.”

“Yeah, remember yesterday where I said something wrong and you immediately said it back to me with the correction?” PJ laughs.

“Ah no, stop, that didn’t happen,” Kevin smiles, as his mother gently pats his left hand.

It’s obvious that Kirby and Twomey adore their mothers, as well as each other, something that’s growing more obvious as Kirby’s wedding to photographer and fellow dancer José Galang inches closer.

“We have a venue!” PJ beams. “And I just asked Kevin to be my best man so it’s very special. We all went the other day to view the place, myself, mam, José and my sister Elaine.”

Phil Twomey, PJ Kirby, Nuala Kirby and Kevin Twomey. Picture: Miki Barlok

Becoming mothers has provided Phil and Nuala with what they describe as “total joy and laughter.” But, as mothers are so often blamed for any and all of their child’s misgivings — from manners to criminal behaviour — rarely are they credited with their child’s success. So, I ask them, what do they think they got right?

“You actually can only do your best, right?” Nuala shares, sagely. “I think we go back to our own upbringing for this, and it definitely has rubbed off on them with manners in particular.

“Each of mine will give up their seat on the bus, or help neighbours with bags or help anyone who is in trouble. I think it’s how we were brought up ourselves, and it does rub off on you in the end.”

“It’s absolutely about respect,” Phil agrees. “And how they treat others. You know what I mean? I suppose I’m also all about the grammar and vocabulary, too, but manners are everything really. They’re all so respectful. But listen, those were different times, too. Did we have a lot of money?

“No, very little. But we made do. And the point is, we weren’t going to pubs or restaurants. Maybe twice a year, that would be it with the kids. And as such, they really appreciated it when we did, which is great.”

PJ and Nuala Kirby. Picture: Miki Barlok

In-person, all four of the people before me are smiling and generous, and loveable, if wry. It’s clear that all the best of one generation has been passed onto the other. “The best piece of advice I always got from mam, and also from my mam’s mam, was what’s for you won’t go by you,” Kevin says.

“And I know it’s the most thrown-away sentiment ever, and everyone has a version of it, but it’s always been said around here. Like when I dropped out of college, moved away — it always came back to that. Trusting in that, especially when I was living away, was always something that gave me a bit of comfort. And I really do believe in it in it.

“Like, you know, if you fail at something, it’s not the end of the road because actually, you’re meant to be doing something else.

“And my nanny always used to sing ‘Que Sera, Sera’ when we were going to bed, after we said our prayers, which has also really stuck with me.”

“In a similar vein,” PJ says. “My mam would always say that we’ve never died a winter yet. It sounds quite pessimistic but like, it would be said when we got a huge electricity bill out of nowhere, or whatever. And instead of losing our lives over it, she would be there reassuring us that we’d get the money from somewhere, and not to worry.

“And we were only talking about another one last night, about closing the windows and doors, because Dad would be roaring at you keeping them open saying you were trying to heat the street. So hope, and energy efficiency is what I’m taking from her, really.”

PJ Kirby and Kevin Twomey. Picture: Miki Barlok

This year, the group’s plans for Mother’s Day remain much the same, despite Kevin’s insistence for more. “I really want to go for a spa day, but mam hates being touched,” he laughs.

The Kirbys will be out for lunch, as per. “I just sort of arrive down on the day and tell her to cancel her plans,” PJ smiles as his mother nods. As for plans for the rest of the year — outside of stag and wedding planning — the two men before me plan to break their two-year hiatus from touring.

“We’ve no dates released yet, but we’re definitely, 100%, going on tour this year,” Kevin says. “We’ve also just done a huge rebrand, with a photoshoot, even though PJ had conjunctivitis at the time,” Kevin adds.

“It put my vanity back in check,” PJ laughs. “It humbled me.”

“Yeah, it’s been over two years since we’ve done our shows and like, obviously doing the podcasts is amazing, but the live shows are really really fun,” Kevin says. “So we can’t wait to get back to them.”