Diary of a Gen Z Student: A beginner’s guide to gentle parenting your parents

Trinity College student and Irish Examiner columnist Jane Cowan. Photo: Barry Cronin

Making the transition to college impacts the whole family, especially your parents. They’re forced to fight the urge to tell you when to do your homework, all the while, coming to terms with their baby getting in from nights out at 5am on a Wednesday. God love them, it can’t be easy. 

By the time we get to college, we feel so ready for the freedom that it’s easy to forget our parents need our support during this difficult time. You have to understand, you’re the light of their life, their reason to get up in the morning. And college has upended their regular routine. How will they fill their days, now that you’re spending less time at home? What have they got to live for? 

In the absence of a ‘parenting your parents’ section in the average bookshop, I have devised a simple approach. Why take my advice, you ask? I am the favourite out of four children (or at least in a four-way tie for the title), so I know a thing or two. And what I lack in actual expertise on this topic, I make up for in pure enthusiasm. So, at your own risk, consider this a beginner’s guide to gentle parenting your parents.

First things first, you’ll have to show your parents that they can loosen those reins a bit. This may require some flirting with falsehood. You’ll have to get comfortable with omitting the truth here and there. You’re an adult now, at least in the eyes of the law. So, you’ll have to act like it, at the very least. I know that being a fully functioning adult is a distant hope for most of us, so acting is probably the only option you have. Your parents won’t need to helicopter over an adult. But gentle parenting demands a light touch; it’s a cruel world out there. So be sure not to scare them. Ease them into the prospect of your adulthood slowly.

It’s now time to learn how to turn on that machine with the round door you see your parents spend so much time fussing over. Slip the term ‘washing machine’ into conversation. Maybe even mention fabric conditioner. You’ll impress your parents no end with that. 

They’ll be shocked that you’ve tuned into the presence of such a machine in the first place, never mind learning that fabric conditioner exists. 

The key is baby steps. We’re not aiming for anything too advanced. Don’t frighten them with a delicate cycle; they won’t buy it. Just act in a way that’s convincing enough to keep your parents at a safe distance – far enough away that they can’t gather too much information about your life. God knows what they might find in your pockets, if they try to wash your jeans. Avoid the risk altogether by pretending that you know how to wash them for yourself.

Your parents may also become concerned with exactly who you’re befriending in college. Gentle parenting requires openness. But that’s not always an option; total transparency is probably not something you’re willing to surrender to. Your parents will tell you they just want honesty. Do not fall for it. They can’t handle the truth, so keeping them happy is your plan B. 

All of your friends study diligently, drink rarely, are tattoo-free, always drive 10km under the speed limit, and have a passion for fabric conditioner. There’s no need to upset them over something they can’t control. As a practitioner of gentle parenting, you need to protect them. Tell them what they need to hear.

Congratulations! You have now gently parented your parents, college student style. I never said that my approach would be ethical, but it will get the job done. Parents need a nudge of encouragement to ease up on their hyper-vigilant approach. Subtlety is essential. Like any teen, if they get a sniff of being manipulated, all of your efforts will be in vain. They’ll rebel in the same way you did when you were 15. 

The last thing you need is a set of angsty parents on your hands. There’s two of them, and only one of you. They’ve learned to play the role of 'difficult teen' from the best – you. The threat that poses should worry you. So, stay vigilant. They can never know what you’ve been up to. Attempting to parent your parents is not for the faint of heart. Proceed with caution.