Esther N McCarthy: Here's my fool-proof guide to getting kids off screens

Want to end screen time battles? Follow Esther N McCarthy's family-friendly, foolproof (tongue-in-cheek) plan

Esther McCarthy: I’ve come up with my own patented guide to getting your moronic kids off their screens. Picture: Emily Quinn

Is screen time a problem in your house? Do you find yourself in an endless cycle of pleading, then threatening your kids to pry them off their devices, only for them to wheedle and whinge for just one more level, two more kills, five more minutes?

Fear not! I have been searching for solutions for years, and after exhaustive research; reading, listening to, and watching every expert in the land, I’ve realised they are as useless as the g in lasagna, so I’ve come up with my own patented guide to getting your moronic kids off their screens.

Please note, I share my domicile with children identifying as male zombies, including one teenager, one tween, and an eight-year-old criminal mastermind.

I can offer no practical support concerning the parenting of the female of the species. I know my limits.

1. Belittle them loudly

I find a solid first step is to chip away at their self-esteem. This works most efficiently when their mics are on, in a shared game platform, such as Fortnite.

Ensuring their peers can hear you is key. Don’t plan this too much, keep it loosey-goosey, and just let whatever you feel come bubbling out, you’ll be surprised how good it feels.

“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO WEAR MY GOOD LIPSTICK WHEN YOU’RE JUST HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE? AND YOU ARE STRETCHING OUT MY SWEATY BETTYS! YOU’RE GETTING TUNA JUICE ALL OVER YOUR FAKE NORTH FACE TECH FLEECE! YOUR SKIN FADE LOOKS AMATEURISH! IT’S THE COAL SHED FOR YOU TONIGHT, YOU INCONSIDERATE ASSHAT!”

Watch for the look of horror and throw your head back and laugh as they scramble to turn off the massive microphones on their ridiculous headsets. I mean, seriously, are they landing planes or shooting animated characters with unrealistic body shapes?

2. Threaten physical violence

Why this is frowned upon in modern parenting, I don’t know, but I suggest you give it a go. You can’t deny it does startle them out of their fugue. Generally, delivering ultimatums in a quivering, unhinged voice is most effective, but don’t be afraid to mix it up. I’ve found saying something disturbing and dark in a giggly voice can unnerve the hardest of gamers.

Bonus points if you do it in front of friends, or visiting clergy. Start off easy, widen your eyes, (if you can get your nostrils to flare, fantastic) while declaring reasonably, “If I hear the words ‘Medallion’, ‘Battle Royale’ or ‘The Bubble’ one more time, I will kick seven shades of shite out of you.” Another timeless classic worth trying is squinting hard at one child, whilst pointing at another’s noggin and announcing, “If you don’t finish Fifa like RIGHT NOW, I’ll batter you, with his head”.

Do feel free to get creative and ad lib according to the situation/game play. If stuck, revert back to your own parents’ oldies but goldies. They’re nestled somewhere in your psyche, just dig around, trauma like that tends to stick — use it! It’s nice to keep tradition going.

3. Create an unviable playing environment

We have what used to be our sitting room now taken up by gaming chairs, monitors, speakers, power cables, two PS5s and one PS4. (Side note — you can create a damaging sibling dynamic through randomly assigning a different child with the one dated piece of technology from week to week).

Their hang-out room is visible through glass doors and situated adjacent to the main kitchen/living area because we thought it would be a good idea for us to be able to see and hear them at all times they were online.

Oh, what fools we were. Originally, we put a comfy sofa in and hip LED lighting and potted plants and a salt lamp to improve the air quality. Now, I’m experimenting with undoing such idiocy and making that space an undesirable place to inhabit. I’m currently toying with the Incontinent Cat ploy.

The family feline, stressed from the arrival of two massive ginger tom cats in the neighbourhood, has developed virulent urinary tract infections, and taken to urinating in unlikely and inconvenient places, we only know he’s done it by the atomic smell after a short amount of time.

Feel free to use your own smell disincentives, but I’ve found locking the poorly pussycat into their gaming room for several hours at a time with a massive dish of water and a soundscape of waterfalls most entertaining.

May I suggest removing all light sources and replacing all the chargers — but one — to those incompatible with the resident game controllers and headset chargers, thus creating a Hunger Games scenario as they feel around in the dank dark for the sole correct USB lead. Don’t electrocute yourselves on that puddle of piss, darlings!

Why not try shortening the cables by several inches, but slowly, almost imperceptibly, over a number of weeks, so eventually they end up scrunched over, cheek to console, almost certainly developing spinal and neck damage that will last long into adulthood.

Perhaps now they’ll actually come out for their dinner when it’s on the table, hmm?

4. If you can’t beat them…

If all else fails, dedicate all your time, resources, and energy into becoming an expert in their favourite game. This will have the immediate effect of turning them off it forever.

They didn’t empty the dishwasher, so you ruin something they love, albeit whilst developing a crippling addiction to Mario Kart. Worth it.